How To Make An Emo Kid Laugh

I’ve spent 3 hours trying to find a picture of an Emo laughing on the Internet and this is all that came up. Feckin’ scary isn’t it? I think I might have just crapped my pants. This is the reason why Emos should not smile. It looks wrong because it is wrong. It’s an abomination against God. Besides this - Emos have nothing to be smiling about.

Mission Feckin’ Impossible

There are very few ways to make an Emo laugh. In fact in most cases it’s downright impossible considering they are the one of the most miserable species on the planet.  However there are a few things that you can try that might cause them to laugh.

• Throw yourself downstairs in front of an Emo. If you holler enough on the way down the staircase they’ll mock your screams by saying “You’ll never feel the pain that I feel inside!”
  
• Slice off your entire forearm, attach it to a stick and go to the mall and steal old ladies handbags using it as a prop. Since emos seem to enjoy terrorising people that they perceive to be weaker than themselves they’ll usually burst out laughing. The smile will be wiped off their face when the first old lady turns around and headbutts them in the face.
• Shave off the Emo Kid’s hair whilst they are asleep and write “EGGY EGGY EGG!” on their forehead. Wait until morning and they’ll go to look in the mirror, laugh for a second before realising what’s happened and then lose their mind. Remember Emos don’t have the right to wear their hair how they want to. Exercise your right as a member of the free world and shave their hair off now!
• Fake your own death and force the emo kid to go around and console your grief stricken mother. Since most Emos are totally cynical bastards they’ll enjoy every minute of it. In fact they’ll end up telling your mom about how there is no Heaven and that if there was an afterlife (which there is obviously not) then you’d be in Hell.
• Attempt to light your own farts only ensure that you burn your asshole. The emo kid will laugh at your screams. If this pisses you off, why not hold his nose open with a clothes pin when he’s asleep, force feed him beans and then put a bunsen burner under his asshole. When he wakes up and asks “What’s cooking?” then it’ll be YOUR time to laugh.
• Emos love laughing at pets with amputated limbs that fall over regularly. So if you have a three legged dog like the one below, invite it out to play and the Emo will have hours of fun pushing the dog over. Of course the real fun will only begin when the dog has had enough and bites their ugly face off.

Why an Emo Won’t Laugh

So let’s say that you’ve been trying unsuccessfully for some time to make an Emo laugh. There are many reasons why he will never laugh and you’ll never understand him. At least without the following guide.

• Emos are in constant mental anguish that you and I could never begin to comphrend. If only you were aware of the sheer excruciation Emos have to endure then you’d immediately cancel all of your donations the Third World and offer them instead to Emo charities.
• If an Emo is caught laughing in front of his Scene friends he is immediately disowned by all of his previous buddies. Laughter is an abomination against emo. Giggling is for mainstream conformist losers. You cannot be happy and be Scene. You must pray to Satan every night for the complete annihilation of the human species.
• Emos aren’t sophisticated enough to have a sense of humor. This is because the average Emo I.Q. is only about 75. Yes that’s right. Most emos are less intelligent than Forrest Gump. Emos are aware of how totally mediocre they are and this only fuels their depression. Instead of going to the doctors and asking for help they always self medicate with vodka or moonshine.
  
  According to a recent government survey, this man is 98% more intelligent than 90% of all emos.
• Since most Emos are well below the poverty line and live in trailer parks, most of them can’t afford to buy vodka and have to consume their stepdad Skeeter’s moonshine which he made with bird shit and tissue paper.
• Since emo men are hideously ugly and spend most of their time looking in the mirror trying to convince themselves otherwise, they don’t have anything to be merry about.
• Emos are the most sensitive things on earth. They can feel everyones pain. They are like little moping Christs who kill themselves for your sins. Remember emos only kill themselves because they are persecuted by you and your jock friends. So it’s your fault. Yet they feel your pain and ask for nothing but respect in return. And you refuse to accept their gift of salvation.

33 Comments »

Emo Olympics

Today heralds the start of the first ever Emo Olympic Games were depressed and malnourished teenagers will take part in a series of events over a week.

Situated in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, The Games have attracted much outroar from the media due to the brutal nature of many of the events. However despite calls for The Games to be banned, they continue on in earnest. What follows is a description of some of the more controversial events.

800m Gurgles

The winner in this event will be the first emo across the line to have finished off a quart of vodka whilst completing the circuit. Competitors will be disqualified if they are caught vomiting or otherwise spilling any of the vodka deliberately. This event will be sponsored exclusively by Smirnoff and their partners Bic.

Archery

Emo Archery will consist of countries fielding teams of two, with one person acting as the archer and the other as the target. The target will then be forced to strip naked, with various parts of their body highlighted with different colors of lipstick. The relevant body parts, along with their designated colors and points values are listed below.

• Groin - Pink (10 points)
• Head - Grey (5 points)
• Heart - Black (3 points)
• Liver - Yellow (1 point)

Baseball

This event is quite different from ordinary baseball in that it involves no pitchers, balls or out calls. The goal of Emo Baseball is for the runner to sprint around the diamond as quickly as possible whilst smashing themselves around the head with the bat as many times as they can. The winner will be the Emo who records a combination of the most head hits and fastest times around the pitch.

Discus

Each candidate will be awarded 100 rare My Chemical Romance 12″ discs at the start of the event. The first Emo to throw all of the records over a cliff-face without diving in after them will win the event.

Diving

Each contestant in turn will dive into shark infested waters with a heart monitor and stopwatch attached to their body. The winner of the event will be the first Emo to die. Each Emo will be permitted to wear only one article of clothing comprised solely of meat in order to tempt the sharks towards them. Shirts and pants made of pork are forbidden due to political correctness.

Javelin

The winner of the Javelin event will be the Emo who manages to insert the Javelin the furthest into their own flesh. Competitors who attempt to insert the Javelin into their own rectums will be instantly disqualified. In the event of a tiebreak, the winner will be the competitor who loses the most blood.

Lion Racing

The Emo will start the race on top of the Lion with the eventual winner being the first Emo to cross the line INSIDE the animal.

Sawing

Each emo will be issued with a 20″ hand saw and ordered to cut off an arm and a leg in the quickest time possible. Emos will have to undergo blood tests before and after the event in order to eliminate any chance of the competitors doping themselves up with vodka.

Sawing + 400m Sprint

This is the same as the event above except it’s targetted at less suicidal olympians. After the Emo amputates their two limbs, they will be forced to do a lap of the circuit whilst carrying their severed body parts in a rucksack. The first Emo across the line will then be transported immediately to hospital, where surgeons will attempt to reattach the limbs.

Shooting

In this event, each candidate will be issued an AK47 assault rifle.  The aim of the game is to kill yourself as quickly as possible by shooting yourself ONLY in the ass cheeks. Competitors will be disqualified if any of the ammunition or indeed the rifle ends up in their anuses.

9 Comments »

First Date With An Emo Boyfriend

So you’ve finally bagged an Emo Boyfriend and you’re ready to go on your first date. Excellent! Listed below are a number of possible destinations on this date along with some general advice about each venue. Enjoy!

His Room

This is a no-no, unless you want to spend the next 12 hours listening to him reading out his poetry. He’ll dedicate the rest of his time to playing god-awful ballads he has written about you on his guitar whilst singing along like a dork. By the end of the night he’ll have embarrased both of you by making an awkward sexual advance.

He’ll hint at his sexual frustration by showing you all of the bloodied bandages he’s collected from 18 years of being a self mutilator. He’ll then start to dig into his forearms with anything he can find. He’ll progress to cutting and gouging with anything ranging from plastic forks to compasses. If you are particularly unlucky, he’ll crush a light bulb in his hand, sprinkle the glass into a cup of orange juice before trying to drink it all in one go.

You’ll then be responsible for informing his mother that he’s ingested a lethal cocktail of a light bulb and some orange juice.

Graveyard

A first date in a graveyard will be sure to impress your emo boyfriend. It’ll be an opportunity for him to mope between the gravestones and mutter unintelligibly about the fragility and futility of human existence. Remember to restrain him if he tries to jump into an open grave. And if he suggests that you have intercourse on someones plot, smack him around the head until he’s suitably dazed and run away. Be sure to tell all of your friends about it too.

Abandoned Rail-Line

This is another desolate location that your emo boyfriend will find irrestible. You’ll be able to walk hand-in-hand along miles of abandoned track. Just be sure that the track is abandoned otherwise you might just end up picking bits of carriage out of your face for the next 1000 years.

A Bar

A first date in a bar with an emo is not that desirable because usually he’ll get ridiculously drunk throughout the evening to cope with his nerves. By the end of the night all of his emotions will come out at once and he’ll attempt to pick fights with people outside the bar. Be sure to escort him to the cab rank as quickly as possible otherwise you’ll probably end up in the back of an ambulance with him after he starts a brawl with a bunch of jocks.

To ensure the night passes off smoothly be sure to research his least favorite drinks before hand because if he catches you drinking them he’ll immediately think that you are trying to oppress his individuality by having a different opinion. Research his taste in music too in case there is a jukebox in the place. Whilst you might think that playing ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” is innocent enough, your boyfriend could become hysterical and try to commit suicide in the bar.

Night Club

Emo boys love night clubs, even though they’ll pretend to hate them at the start of the night. He’ll start the evening off by hiding in the darkest corner of the room and drinking quickly. As the night progresses  he will move progressively closer to the dance floor and will start to move his head in time to the music.

By the end of the night he’ll be “dancing” on the floor, giving it all her can whilst the other patrons on the dancefloor will recoil with a mixture of bewilderment and horror. It’s certain that at one point he’ll knock over someone’s drink resulting in a confrontation with a guy twice his height. Be sure to drag your boyfriend away unless you find men with disfigured faces sexy.

He’ll spend most of his time in the night club arguing with the DJ, who’ll basically refuse to play anything he requests since his taste in music will invariably be shit.

Cinema

The Cinema is another poor choice, simply because most emo kids are totally claustrophobic and are (ironically enough) afraid of the dark. I’ve known emo kids who have completely flipped out in the theatre and started smashing their heads off the chair in front of them, before running up to the screen and headbutting it. If you must go to the cinema be sure to keep an eye on the emo.

If he starts acting up, pour your soda all down his pants. If that doesn’t work, start pelting him with popcorn. Try your best to aim for the eyes. As a last resort you should buy a jumbo hotdog from the lobby and start smashing him around the head with it until he’s stopped making an ass of himself.

15 Comments »

Definitive Proof That All Emo Tattoos Suck And That You’re Retarded For Even Thinking About Getting One.

As an Emo why in God’s name would you ever want to get a tattoo? To express your individuality? To feel the surging pain of the needles piercing your limbs? Or to just make your body look as unappealing as possible?

In an attempt to find an answer to this question I trawled the internet in search of some of the worst Emo tattoos on the planet. And I wasn’t disappointed. Many thanks to this page, that page and another emo page from where I “borrowed” the tattoo pictures.

First up we have this little number that looks like Gerard Way attempting to molest a bat with a skull for a head. Or perhaps it’s Gerard Way sitting behind a table with skulls on it? I can’t be certain. But what I can be certain about is that it sucks badly. I could understand if this person had one arm amputated and did the tattoo themselves with a black marker clutched with their right foot. But if this person paid a few hundred dollars to have this abomination inscribed upon their arm then I feel very sorry for them indeed.

Next up we have a bleeding heart tattoo.  Well I say “bleeding heart” but it looks more like he’s rolled a minitature pineapple in boiling warm red paint and held it against his chest for an hour.  It doesn’t help that the blood looks like jam too. Still it’s a nice idea even though it looks nothing like it’s meant to.

This is my favorite one so far. I think it’s meant to be a depressed, stoner robot with a broken heart.  Well it’s either a robot or a very old model of a vacuum cleaner. You can tell that the machine is emo because its eyes are shut and its head is tilted slightly to the right. Nice one.

WTF? Is this even a real tattoo? If it is then I sincerely hope that the girl drew it herself because a) it’s hardly the most professional tattoo on the planet and b) I could have done this better myself whilst drunk on cheap Scotch. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she did it herself with some cherry lipstick and a marker pen.

What can I say about this, apart from that it sucks more than a Hoover over an old man’s cock.. Am I missing something here? What is it about emos and bleeding stars? It wouldn’t be so bad if the star was actually well drawn and looked pretty, but it doesn’t. And the blood just makes it so cliched.

Fuck me. I think I might have shit myself. I can understand why someone would want a tattoo to commemorate the life of a loved one, but this is just scary. The tattooed head looks like the love child of Freddy Krueger and a rhino. There’s no better way to defile the memory of a loved one by getting a tattoo drawn of them by a tattooist who is off their face on a hearty cocktail of Gin, crystal meth and angel dust.

Finally an emo tattoo that actually serves a purpose…..

This is like something from a nightmare, but I guess the person is lucky that’s it on their foot and not on their forehead as it’s hideous. In fact when I first looked at the picture I didn’t even realise it was a tattoo. I thought he had exceptionally hairy foot, with some cuts here and there.

I’ve seen several tattoos of this ilk were a meaningless emo saying is tattooed onto an arm using an indecipherable font. I think this one says “Frustration can be gorgeous” but I can’t be certain. What’s the point of getting a tattoo like this if no-one can read it? Actually I think it might say “Fustigation can be glorious”.

There’s only one thing worse than having a silly emo saying tattooed on your arm and that’s having a silly emo poem tattooed there instead.

And as a final LOL. Can you imagine taking this fellow home to meet your parents for dinner? I can understand face paint…..Hell I used to always get it done at carnivals when I was younger! But it’s a completely different kettle of fish if you have it tattooed on your face. I mean what’s he gonna do if he wants to stop being an evil skull creature-man? Scrub his face until his skin falls off?

11 Comments »

“I’m Not Emo But Everyone Says I Am”

If you’ve ever found yourself saying this then you’re in denial. Just because you don’t dress scene doesn’t mean that you aren’t Emo. The truth is that there are many Emos who wear normal clothing who are every bit as emo as Peter Wentz.

How can you tell if you’re a repressed Emo? Well there are a number of symptoms you can look out for.

• Are you happy when it rains? Do you cry when the sun comes out? In the summer do you stay indoors and take 8 hour long showers if it is too warm outside?
• Is your drinking out of control? Whilst at a liquor store do you find yourself continually gravitating towards the vodka section?
• When at work do you find yourself repeatedly smashing your head off the desk for no real reason?
• Do you have recurring dreams about having a sex change?
• As a child did you conduct funeral services for your neighbours pets? Instead of burying them in the ground did you stamp on the body and throw the carcass over a hedge?

Unfortunately if you display any of these symptoms you are becoming Emo. There’s no way out so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. Remember to buy all of your clothes in black, wear Converse shoes and to never smile in public. Get a headstart by setting up a Livejournal and complaining about everything from your parents to the lack of sincerity in your own smile.  You might also want to invest in a lifetime supply of razors for obvious reasons. Bandages are optional.

No Comments »

How To Get Your Kid Out Of Being Emo

I’ve been receiving many emails recently from concerned emo parents asking how they can reclaim their child from the emo cult. There isn’t one specific method that works every time but there are a few steps that you can take to improve your chances of a deconversion.

1. Ground the child and deny them access to money and your credit cards. Without cash it’ll be much harder for the kid to buy vodka, meaning he’s much less likely to cut himself.
2. Remind him that you were a child goth and show him the weathered tattoo of Robert Smith on your wrinkly ass.
3. Walk into his room and smash up his computer with a broom. Be sure to destroy any remaining stereo equipment and Ipods to ensure that he has no access to emo music. If he tries to attack himself afterwards, meticilously remove all sharp objects from his room and lock him in there until he calms down. Or you could just leave him in there for 2 weeks and pass slices of bread underneath the door every day. If he complains about needing to go to the toilet, pass in a bucket and force him to go in there.
4. Walk him to school every day and if you see his emo friends approach, take off your shoe, wield it like a baton and run at them with your tongue out hanging out. Grab hold of the slowest Emo and begin to batter him until he’s promised to stay away from your child forever.
5. Don’t let him watch the television, especially if any pornographic shows are on. Self abuse tends to make adolocents even more depressed so by denying him access to such filth you’re lowering the chances that’ll he’ll debase himself.
6. Pray to God nightly for His intervention. Pray that your son will eventually see the errors of his ways and will turn his back on razors, vodka and bisexuality and become a true hetero like God himself. Failing that ask God to give him the courage to come out as a well-adjusted homosexual and for him to abandon self-harm for ever.

1 Comment »

Funny Emo TV Report Video About Cutting And Suicide

Now this video made me laugh out loud. According to the report Emos are driven purely to be noticed by their peers and that appreciating Emo music is an insignificant part of Emo culture.  And I couldn’t agree more. Emos spend more of their time bragging about their ability to cut and drink copious amounts of vodka than actually listening to Emo artists. How do I know this? Well if these people actually listened to the music then the suicide rate amongst emos would rocket. Think about it. When was the last time you listened to “My Chemical Romance” without wanting to kill yourself and your entire family?

The whole Emo points system is true too. I’ve managed to infilitrate an Emo group who disclosed some of the most heralded achievements or characteristics that are awarded to Emos. And here they are

• Have you ever flushed your head down the toilet? [5 points]
• Do you regularly smell your own farts just to feel real pain? [5 points]
• Do you walk in the rain just to get wet on purpose? [10 points]
• Have you ever stabbed yourself in the face repeatedly with a plastic fork? [5 points]
• Do you tease your kitty just so that it’ll scratch you? [5 points]
• Have you tried at least 10 different varities of anti-depressant medication without any of them working? [20 points]
• Have you ever cried when a pot plant died? [5 seconds]
• Do you dream regularly about seeing/feeling/licking Pete Wentz’s crotch? [100 points]

I’ve only listed a few examples because the rest of them are sexually explicit, but it just goes to show that the Emo scene is one big shallow game, possessed entirely by soulless, middle-class, drama queens who wouldn’t know real pain if it danced up to them and kissed them on the crotch.

And one last thing….why on earth would anyone buy a wrist slitting board? Surely if you’re intent on killing yourself in this manner you’ll research it properly before[hand]. The information is available on the internet for free after all.

No Comments »

Emo Bangs Make Your Eyes Weaker

It’s true. Emos are intentionally destroying their eyesight by growing bangs over one eye. Since sight is restricted, the emo places significant strain on their other eye which must compensate for the lack of vision . This makes it difficult form them to drive without crashing into walls, grandma’s and police cruisers.

Which leads me to ask, why should emos be allowed to drive in the first place if they are causing such carnage on the roads? Most emos drive under the influence whilst wearing bangs. They are preoccupied with ripping their arms to shreds with razors whilst driving. They couldn’t care what’s in front of them on the road. And worst of all they are listening to “Fall Out Boy” on their car stereos! I remember trying to drive when a “Fall Out Boy” song was on the radio and I lost control of the vehicle on 5 different occasions. It was if my brain was switching itself off to escape the pain of having to listen to that crock of shit.

There should be a separate driving test designed for emos which tests their ability to drive whilst wearing bangs. If the emo succeeds in the test, they should be granted a licence with serious restrictions written into it. For example it should be made illegal for Emos to drive whilst listening to “My Chemical Romance” or “Fall Out Boy”.  If an emo is caught breaking this law then their should be crushed whilst they are made to watch.

I don’t trust emos with bangs in any profession. Can you imagine getting into the car with an emo cab-driver? I’d be more willing to get into the vehicle if an Old English Sheepdog, smacked up on Wild Turkey, was behind the wheel. I’d be more likely to escape with my life anyway.

3 Comments »

Canadian Emo Scene Kid In Call To War Against Everyone In Video

This is quite incredible. I never knew that Canadians were a war like people but it seems that I’m wrong.  This emo girl has single handedly declared war on everyone who is not emo. It’s brilliant how she talks about Emo as a growing movement. For a minute you’d think she’s trying to get an army together. Christ can you imagine that? A rabble of pale emos marching towards the jocks wielding broken vodka bottles?

I love how she reinforces every single negative stereotype about the Emo movement in this video. Well apart from cutting and drinking vodka. I guess she left all of that for afterwards.

I think she needs to chill the fuck out. What was all of that shit about people ramming emos in their car? Is she tripping? She seems to be totally paranoid! I bet she believes that she’s victimised by traffic lights turning red when she’s driving. OMG! They must be controlled by the jocks! God hates me! Everyone is out to get me!

No Comments »

Emo Boy Kids Crying In The Bathroom

Every time I use a public toilet these days I’m always propositioned by an emo crying in the cubicle next to me asking if I have any vodka or mascara on me. The most shocking thing is that they don’t even wait until I’ve finished taking a crap. I’ll be sitting there with my ass half an inch off the wet toilet seat with my eyes closed trying to concentrate on pushing on the turd out and not on the urine vapour cloud that’s rising from the ground, when I’ll hear sobbing from next door.

The crap will remain half in my bumhole when the emo will pop his head over the cubicle and ask what I’m doing, before demanding some vodka.

Now I’ve no problems with emos crying in public, especially if it’s in public toilets and no-one else is around. But what I do have an issue with is when they invade upon my privacy, especially when I’m trying to lay a brown cable. In such situations I attempt to beat the emo into submission with my newspaper just so that they’ll collapse back down into their cubicle and leave me the hell alone.

I’m afraid of using public toilets altogether now because of these people. It just isn’t fair. It happened to my uncle too and he has irritable bowel syndrome. Recently he was struggling to cope with explosive episodes of diarrhoea and only just made it to a public toilet in time.

Apparently he sat down on the toilet seat and his bowels erupted into the can and just at that moment an emo appeared from above the neighbouring cubicle. The emo was so shocked by the sight and smell below that he collapsed and died. The emos family had the gall to blame my uncle when in reality he was just trying to have a turd in peace. My uncle has been receiving craps in the post dyed black with hateful messages carved into them with a razor for the past 6 months.

So if you’re an emo kid who likes spying on other people taking turds, please stop it. You’re putting yourself and other people’s lives at risk. If you want to watch someone having a dump, film yourself on the toilet. But please don’t put it on Youtube. There’s enough shit there already.

No Comments »

Emo Gay Scene Kids To Be Made Illegal In Russia?

This is hilarious news and it wouldn’t be half as funny if it wasn’t for the Russian goverment’s hypocrisy.

You must realize that Emos and the Russian Government have many things in common. Both love Vodka. Both Emos and Russian statesmen are insanely depressed. And both are communists. You’d think that they’d make natural bedfellows, no?

Banning emo is absurd. It’ll just make people more determined to join the scene and it’ll drive the culture underground. At least now in Russia parents can easily see that their child is depressed if he’s an emo kid. If he’s not allowed to express himself in the same way then how is anyone meant to know how he is feeling?

If the Russians really wanted to tackle suicide they’d sort there economy out and ban Vodka instantly. Emos themselves will know how bleak life seems after an entire bottle of Smirnoff. But to be hungover in Russia is an entirely different ballgame. I’d rather carry my balls around in a sling than be subjected to that sorta shit.

Look at Boris Yeltsin for Christ’s sake. A man who was an alcoholic, depressed and a fan of loud rock music. Yeltsin was in effect an emo. Half the population of Russia are emos.  And what’s wrong with that? Nothing! Emo is hilarious. Russia is hilarious. Boris Yeltsin is hilarious. Why ban any of it?

The only way to resolve this issue to ship a few million emos over from America to Russia as part of a cultural exchange program. Send Pete Wentz over to the Red Square and he’ll out half of the Russian cabinent as closet homosexuals wtihin a week. Then the government wouldn’t have a fecking leg to stand on.

No Comments »

Alternatives To Emo Cutting - Razors Are For Shaving Not For Slicing

OK so as an Emo you cut. It ironically helps to ease the pain, yet it harms your body and your family assuming they manage to find out. Well there are alternatives out there to cutting that will harm you and no-one else and I’ve listed them below.

1. Watch all of Michael Moore’s films back to back. Your eyes will be scarred for all of eternity and your ears will never recover.
2. Lie down outside naked in the rain in the dark. Only do this during the summer otherwise you might die of hypothermia. Don’t try this if your live in a street of houses unless you want the old bint next door to die of heart failure and for the cops to arrive eventually.
3. Put a clothes pin on your tongue and hold it there for 3 hours. If you are still tempted to cut during this period, try putting another 5 on there and that should quell your desire to self harm.
4. Buy a black marker and write whatever it is you want to cut into your skin. You can even show this to your parents without them worrying so knock yourself out kid (not literally).
5. Ask a friend to lock you in a cupboard for an hour or two. Make sure it’s full of pots and pans so that if you’re feeling aggressive, you have something to take it out on.  If there are any knives in there take them out beforehand otherwise you’ll be tempted to slice your arm off.
6. Visit the zoo and vault over the fence into the tiger enclosure. Dance up to the tiger, pat it on the head whilst staring mockingly into its eyes before running back towards the fence again. Only try this if you are fit. The average vodka guzzling emo will not make it 3 steps before being ripped to shreds by the animal. And no. It won’t feel good. Tigers teeth are a lot sharper than razors.
7. Get into a fight with a porcupine. It’s easier to annoy a porcupine than an emo, you simply have to stamp heavily on the ground a few feet in front of it and then it’ll launch a frenzied attack on its would-be attacker. Remember porcupines are even more dangerous than lions. Their pines are razor sharp and if one gets lodged in your skin you have to get a doctor to rip it out.

Remember self harm is a serious mental health issue. Whilst the solutions above aren’t guaranteed to produce significantly safer results than cutting, you’ll at least appear to be even more non-conformist in front of your friends.

If you have any other plausible alternatives to self harm, leave them in the comments section below.

2 Comments »

Why Does My Punk Friend Want To Be A Gay Emo Boy?

Your friend is obviously going through a difficult period in his life. He might be tired of being continually rejected by females, so by converting to emo he is open to loving men - thus doubling his chances of finding true love.

You should consider the possibility that he’s just doing this for attention. Most emos hate the music of Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance and dress in black just to annoy people. Emos are generally very shallow and will declare their allegiance to the culture just to attract an emo girlfriend.

After this he will be forced to listen to Fall Out Boy and will become suicidal since he is aware of how much this type of music sucks and that most emo scenesters are vacuous fascists who judge others entirely based upon what they wear and say and how few scars they have on their arm.

His decision could be a sign of mental illness. Has he recently suffered a knock to the head? Does he complain about suffering from hallucinations and double vision?  Perhaps you should bring him to the local church and ask the pastor to exorcise any demons out of his skull. Better yet, tell the congregation that he needs to be baptized and watch them haul him out to the nearest lake. Being under water for 30 seconds might be enough to give him amnesia and he’ll be back to his usual self soon.

Anyway if your friend truly wants to be emo be sure to intervene before it’s too late. You stand to lose him forever once the emos have started to brainwash him.

No Comments »

How To Be An Emo Guitarist And Play Emo Guitar Like Pete Wentz.

It’s breathtakingly easy to be an emo guitarist. The most important step is to never learn how to play your instrument properly. This makes lessons or instruction videos a no-no. Why give in to authority and learn scales or chords when you can make up your own ones? The same goes for tunings. Once you have your guitar fiddle as much as possible with the tuning pegs to create your own unique sound. Kids across the country will be using your tunings to create their own songs in 25 years time.

Secondly, be sure to play the guitar how you want to play it. For example why hold the guitar the right way around when you can hold it upside down? If anyone calls you an idiot for holding it like this they have been brainwashed by the thought police. Instead of using a pick to strum the strings why not use a razor blade, hedgehog or toothbrush?

Start to write songs the moment you pick up the guitar. Record every tune you create and send it to all of the people on your MSN list. If anyone criticises your music, call them a nazi and put them on Block. Remember that if you’re ever feeling distressed that you can use the guitar as a tool of self harm. If everyone thinks your music sucks, invite them to hang out, bring your guitar with you and start smashing yourself over the head with it until both your head and guitar is caved in.

Remember to spend more time decorating your guitar than actually playing it. Be sure to cover the body of the guitar completely in emo band stickers as it’s crucial that the world knows who exactly you’re influenced by. Also ask a friend to take photographs of you holding your guitar in your bedroom. In these photos be sure to pull your best ’serious sex face’ for each picture. Wear your sisters clothing during these sessions and as much makeup you can fit onto your face.

Follow all of this advice and you’re well on your way to being a world class emo guitarist!

No Comments »

Everytime You Masturbate An Emo Kid Commits Suicide?

You’ve probably heard this myth elsewhere on the internet. The one that says that everytime you pleasure yourself an emo kid commits suicide. Well I’m here to debunk it. The truth is that everytime someone masturbates an emo kid ATTEMPTS suicide. However the success rate (thankfully) is so low that very few die from a suicide attempt.

How do Emo Kids know that you’ve been masturbating? Well they are closely connected to God. In fact the emos themselves identify themselves as the Sons and Daughters of Christ.

Every time God sees you pounding your Parsons in your bathroom he relays graphic live images into an emo kids head. The emo, who is given no prior warning instantly loses his mind like the horses in The Ring. He’ll usually run down to the mall, climb into a shopping cart and attempt to propel himself into oncoming traffic. But it very rarely works as most emos are too emancipated to even move a shopping cart an inch let alone 300 yards.

How can you prevent God from watching you masturbate in the first place? Well your best option is to build an iron cubicle into your bathroom suite and stand inside it when you want to do the dirty. Whilst God is both omniscient and omnipotent he cannot penetrate iron so he shouldn’t see you.

If you see an Emo struggling to wheel a shopping cart into oncoming traffic, stop them, ask them where they live and wheel them back to their parents. Don’t mention the suicide attempt to their parents because you can assume they have enough problems with the kid already.

Remember if you have to be filthy, be responsible. We don’t want another emo kid attempting suicide even if it is a naff effort…

1 Comment »

Cheap Emo Clothes - Scene Fashion For Boys And Girls

Have no money but want to dress Emo? Well we’re here to help with the following guide which shows you how you can use common household items to dress alternative.

The cheapest and most fetching accessory that an Emo can wear is a black refuse bag. Simply buy a 10 pack of them from Walmart, use scissors to cut out holes for your arms and legs and then slip it on. The best thing is that you can easily create new refuse dresses if you happen to destroy one by accident.

Next why not try wearing KFC chicken bones as earrings? Not only do battered chicken legs make great looking accessories but you’ll have a delicious dinner as well! Just be sure to scrape all of the chicken batter off the bone before putting them on your ear otherwise you’ll attract the attention of the homeless and other slothering beasts.

Instead of buying expensive black lipstick why not buy charcoal instead and liberally apply it across your mouth? The charcoal will come in handy too if you ever need your stomach pumped (which is a likely scenario especially if you eat at KFC regularly).

Why buy underwear when you can use your mothers lace curtains as panties? Whilst your mom’s out at work, hack them down with a knife and just sling them around your waist. Just make sure that you don’t crap yourself whilst wearing the curtains otherwise you’ll have to come up with an interesting explanation at the laundrettes.

And finally if you’re an emo you’ll need to have at least 25 tattoos! As you already know tattoos aren’t cheap. Unless you do them yourself of course. Buy a permanent black marker pen and start scribbling freely on your arm. It worked for GG Allin and it’ll work for you. Just be sure to plan the tattoos out beforehand on paper otherwise they’ll look horrific. And no matter how tempting it may seem, never ever tattoo your tongue.  You’ll either choke on the marker pen or poison yourself with the ink.

1 Comment »

Emo Boys Kill Badgers For Blood In Real Life

It has been revealed that people in the Emo community are convincing susceptible young emo boys to stone badgers to death in order to be accepted into the group. This came to light after 300 badgers were found lying stacked in a heap beside a row of empty vodka bottles by an ice cream truck in Vancouver.

Emos are infamous for their shockingly bigoted view towards Mother Nature with Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance promoting the mass genocide of spiders and cockroaches throughout the “Welcome to the Black Parade” album.

Now Peter Wentz of “Fall Out Boy” has condoned the killing of badgers simply because - they are - in his view “Godless”. Emos across the country are following Wentz’s advice - culling the animals as part of the Emo initation ceremony, which previously only involved bizarre sex acts and self mutilation.

The government is fighting back against this latest threat to the Badgers by implanting several grams of explosives in each of the animals which is triggered by a detenator attached to the creatures gut lining.  The detenator itself is attached to a smell-o-meter which scans the air for smells that are synonymous with emos - namely sweat, urine, vodka, pineapple juice and badger blood.

12 emos have already been caught up in the explosions and many more casualties are expected over the coming weeks. This is a small price to pay to educate emos that badger-culling is a crime worse than self harm.

No Comments »

Emo Children - How To Tell If Your Child Is Emo

There are many tell tale signs that as a parent you should look out for in your child. I’ve made a short list of them here.

• Does your child spent most of his days staring into the mirror scratching at invisible pimples? If he comes across a pimple does he lose his mind and begin smashing his head against the mirror until it’s broken into smithereens?
• Is he writing shockingly bad poetry about how his nightmares and his longing to be under the ground? Has he stopped brushing his teeth in order to look more like Thom Yorke?
• Did your wife breast feed your child up until the age of 8? Was she still walking him to school as a teenager? Is he still shitting the bed every night for no apparent reason even though he’s nearly an adult?
• Does your child have scars on his forehead? Emos have to carve in a secret message into their forehead in order to be accepted into the emo cult. Forehead scars are the single surest sign that your child is an emo.
• Is your child hanging around with people who look like vampires (i.e. pale, gaunt dorks who seem to be afraid of the sunlight?). Does he invite these friends around for dinner often and when at the table do they refuse to make eye contact with you or anyone else outside their group?
• Is your child prone to severe mood swings over the most miniscule of problems? For example if you brought home a type of cereal from the mall that he did not like?
• Are your middle class? Do you treat your child fairly and kindly? Do you believe that disciplining your child physically is wrong? If you’ve answered yes to any of these then it’s possible that your child is an emo.

If you discover that your child is an emo then intervention is the best policy. Leaving your child to be an emo will have shockingly grim ramifications for his future. For example he’ll be 665% more likely to drop out of high school and join the army. He’ll be 2550% less likely to shower at least 5 times a year.

2 Comments »

Dwayne From GTA4 Is An Annoying, Pointless Emo Cutter

I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto 4 for the XBOX 360 for the last few months and one of my biggest regrets was killing Playboy X instead of Dwayne. Why? Well Dwayne is the epitomy of an Emo. Sure Playboy X was an annoying as hell but he was nowhere near as bad as Dwayne. I’m constantly being harassed on my cellphone by him asking if I want to hang out. If I say no he usually goes mental and threatens to slice off his balls.

And even if I do take him out bowling he still complains. He’ll say stuff like “Man life is tough. I hate everyone. I hate myself”. He just never stops complaining. So for a while I stopped picking up the phone when he called. For some reason I didn’t find that satisfying so instead I now collect Dwayne and try to kill him in the most amusing way possible. But since I’m pretty unimaginative I usually end up just driving him into the sea.

The best part is when he rings up asking me to collect him from the hospital. Most of the time I just ignore him and he’ll respond with a text calling me a turdpusher. Sometimes I go to collect him from the hospital and just drive him back into the sea again.

So if you’re just starting GTA 4 remember to kill Dwayne rather than Playboy X. Otherwise you’ll be more likely to drive your car into the ocean in real life.

No Comments »

Emo Sucks - More Reasons Why the Emo World and Scene Is Awful

Here are a few more reasons why I hate Emo and why you should hate it too.

1. Emos are close-minded. If you don’t dress in black then you’re seen as worse than Stallin. Remember you must be closeminded in your open-mindedness and physically attack people who have different opinions than you, especially if they openly reject your own views.
2. Emos are right-wing. In order to be recognised as real fans emos also have to be fascists. In fact I’ve heard from certain quarters that in order to be accepted into the emo cult you must prove how right-wing you are by throwing sticks at war veterans houses in the country.
3. Emos start fires. Since 98% of the emo population smoke and drink at the same time they are continually causing fires everywhere they go. It’s a well known fact that 65% of all forest fires across the world are started by emos.
4. Emos can’t play their instruments. Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance hire sessionists to record their pieces in the studio. And neither of those bands play live either. They just stand there on stage and mime over the studio recording of the song. Since most emos are completely tone deaf they don’t really know what’s happening on stage.
5. Emos are continually drunk which means you can’t have a coherent conversation with them. Just look at all of the comments on this blog for Christ’s sake. They are obviously written by people with serious alcohol problems.
6. If emos ran the planet they would charge people for tap water and instead pipe vodka straight into your home. This would mean that you would have to shower and wash your dishes in vodka and you’d turn into just another mindless zombie like the emos.
7. Emos hate wildlife and nature. They are always campaigning to ban penguins, koala and polar bears. If they had their way then all animals would be kept in a zoo with barbed wire everywhere. And all non-emos would be forced to live there in the enclosure with them.
8. Emos are overtly religious. You have to believe in God to be an emo. If you happen to be an atheist you can clear off. Emos are miserable because to smile would insult and hurt the Lord Jesus Christ.
9. Emos can’t drive cars. Why? Well firstly they are always drunk. Secondly they love crashing into trees to a) stick their fingers up at nature and b) to experience pain and blood just so that they can complain all the more about how much life sucks.
10. Emos are music nazis. If you like any other non-emo music then you’re seen as an outcast of the group. You must show complete alliegance to My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy otherwise you’re just another dead head.

3 Comments »

Suicide-proof emo razors are now available from Walmart

Walmart have responded to the wrist-slashing epidemic in the Emo community by introducing their own brand of Emo-proof razors into the market. The new razors are so blunt that it’d take 7 years for an emo to break the first layer of skin - even during a frenzied anxiety attack.  Their bluntness also means that shaving all but the thinnest patches of bumfluff is completely impossible.

Much like the emo scene itself the new razors have been described invariably as “absolutely pointless” and “idiotic beyond belief”. However the suicide-proof blades have won a staunch advocate in anti-emo campaigner Ann Coulter who now uses the razors on a daily basis to trim her hairy balls.

“If you’re anything like me the hair around your privates can become unmanageable, it tends to grow like weeds. And I can’t risk taking a conventional razor to my balls for obvious reasons. These new razors are perfect for trimming my sack - and whatsmore - I feel no real irriation. Well less irritation anyway than when I see Pete Wentz on the television”

Emos all around the country have expressed their digust at the introduction of the razors, with one going as far to say that “they made drawing blood harder than masturbating until ejaculation whilst being in the same room as Ann Coulter”.

We’ll keep you up to date with any further developments on this story.

No Comments »

How Can I Get An Emo Boyfriend - The Best Dating Advice Ever

So I’m guessing if you’re reading this you are eager to attract an emo boy into your life. Fair enough. Here are some steps you can take to improve your chances of landing an emo.

1. Never shave your armpits. According to a recent survey conducted by Richard Dawkins 96% of all emo men are seriously attracted to armpit hair. I knew a guy who lived down the road who used to keep shavings of his mothers armpit hair under his pillow. And he was a right emo freak.
2. Get as many tattoos as you possibly can.
3. Start cussing in front of elderly people. Emo men love women who disrespect seniors. Old people are conformists. They’ve conformed to life for too long. Otherwise how else would they have survived?
4. Breastfeed anything that you encounter in public. It doesn’t matter if it’s a dog, cat or an alligator. Whip out your baps in public and let the critter latch onto your nozzles. Emo men love women who are in tune with nature.
5. Urinate in public as much as possible. This is kinda similar to the one in above. Emos are attracted to petty criminals, especially those who have committed many public indecency misdemeanors.
6. Never think for yourself. Why? Well all emo men are control freaks. They seldom respect a womans right to vote. In fact they only appear sensitive to reel you into their world of deceit. If they could they’d only let you out for “walks” like a dog. There was a case of this in England. Look at the picture below if you don’t believe me.
   
7. Attack smokers in public. It’s anti-emo to smoke and you must enforce this stance as much as possible in public. A good way to attract an emo man is to buy a newspaper, roll-it-up, visit the local hospital and attack as many of the smokers who are standing outside as possible. You’ll earn extra admiration from the emo if you smash the cigarette out of the persons mouth.
8. Attend church regularly. This is surprisingly where most young emo males hang out. In fact Gerald Way is lobbying the Senate to ban anyone from joining the Emo Cult if they do not believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins. Carry a bible with you everywhere too. It might come in handy if you need to attack smokers like I outlined in Number 7.
9. Get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead. Why? Well emo males are notoriously poor at judging a womans sexuality from afar. By getting a penis tattoo on your head you’re making it known that you are a heterosexual. Make sure that the tattoo depicts a very hairy member so to quell any doubts in the emos mind that you may be a lesbian.
10. Eat meat. There’s nothing more offputting to an emo male than vegetarianism. Emo guys especially love women who have the guts to kill and eat live cows in the field.
11. Never exercise your right to vote, but if you must, vote Republican. Emo men are notoriously right wing and are extremely suspicious (as they should be) of liberals.

2 Comments »

Emos Online On Msn - Human Contact Has Never Been As Futile

Talking to emos on MSN is not fun. I’ve had the misfortune of talking to hundreds of them over the last few years thanks to this site and it’s not a pleasurable experience.

First of all they’ll harass you to start a webcam conversation. If you accept they’ll strip naked, grab a knife from their desk and hold it just over their arm. If you don’t respond to them within 10 seconds then they’ll start to move the blade closer to their arm until they finally draw blood. If you tell them to stop they’ll only cut worse. The best way to get them to end this is to threaten to phone their parents. Or to say that you’re about to call a psychiatrist. Emos are more afraid of psychiatrists than Scientologists you see.

Anyway since most Emos are attention seekers they will continually sign in and out of MSN with new screen names.  Here are a few common examples of the names they’ll adopt.

“Blood is dripping from my arm - the American government forces me to self harm”
“I hate you all. I’m gonna saw off my legs live on webcam and it’ll be your fault.”

If you ignore them just after they’ve signed in then they’ll get really mad. In fact they’ll become infuriated if you tell them that they didn’t go offline. See Emos never really sign off the internet. They just hit “Appear Offline” and then click “Online” again just so to draw attention to themselves. It’s pathetic. But it’s true. If you try to level with them then they’ll invariably start abusing you with the Voice facility on MSN making all sorts of demented noises.

The best way to deal with this is to laugh at them. They’ll ask you onto webcam again and will start to smash their head repeatedly off their keyboards. If you continue to laugh then they won’t stop until they burrow their heads through their computer desk.

All emos are pedantic to a fault. If for example you mispell a word they will only warn you once before finally blocking you if you refuse to correct your errors. Emos are grammar nazis. They pretend to be all liberal but when it comes to typos, they are fascists.

So if you’re currently talking to an emo please stop before it’s too late. Tell them that you’ll “brb” before putting them on block forever. It’s the only way you’ll ever be able to get anything done on your computer. Plus it’s not cool watching a young emo being self destructive.

2 Comments »

Was Jesus A Gay Emo Who Cross Dressed And Prayed To Satan?

The evidence is mounting that our Lord Jesus Christ was an Emo who spent most of His days slapping himself around the head with a piece of wood. Christ who is often depicted in the west as being white, 6 foot 5 and a member of the Republican party in fact wore makeup and loved wearing his mother Mary’s clothes.

These stunning revelations have come a day after Bill O’Reilly announced that he was abandoning Catholicism and becoming an Atheist after speculating for months that Christ was in his own words “one of those closet emo fags”.

Christ the Emo pictured above is rumoured to have spent most of his days in a cave weeping and painting his manhood with pink lipstick. His father Joseph was so disappointed that his Son was “one of those queers” that he forced Jesus into carpentry.  Christ who was as lousy at woodcrafts as he was at running away from people wielding a cross, only lasted a month in his job before he retired to his cave for 12 years. During this period he apparently befriended a stray talking dog called “Stalin” who taught him all he knew about ethics and morality.

Emos across the World can bask in the knowledge that there are as righteous like Christ and that there is no sin in drinking 6 bottles of Wine per night. In fact if you’re a teetotaller you are a sin head who deserved to be locked in Hell for a few billion years.

6 Comments »

Why the Emo Look Is So Dreadful. I’d Rather Wear Nothing!

I really cannot explain why I dislike the entire Emo look without going off on a complete rant that could last for years. So instead, I will just give a few brief reasons about why the look sucks so badly and I refuse to ever wear it.

I for one really like being an individual. I kinda like the idea that I can go out in public and not worry about seeing 50 other people who look exactly like me from haircut down to shoes. The idea of seeing a lot of other people that look exactly like me is quite frankly repulsive. If I wanted to look just like everyone else I would just jump off a bridge.

Instead, I choose to be individual and pick out clothes that all look different. Additionally, you certainly do not see me sporting the exact same hairstyle as those 50 other people. My hair is completely different than most others and it will stay this way. Being forced to dress and look like everybody else is just insane, and choosing to do so is even worse. The idea of looking and dressing like that is enough to make me want to strip down right now.

18 Comments »