Alternative Ways To Kill Yourself
A Day In The Life Of An Emo Kid
Your First Date With An Emo Boyfriend
The Emo Stuff category contains all sorts of ramblings about why I don’t like emos. I’ll usually put stuff in here if there’s no other place for it. Most of the emo scene news will go in here too.
The Emo Bucket Forums Are A Refuge For Terrorists
Forget Al-Queda, The Emo Bucket forums are rife with would be terrorists! I’ve had 3 separate death threats from people originating from this training ground of hate over the past week.
Emo Bucket? More like Vomit Bucket!
Fuck knows what goes on over there! It seriously can’t be healthy. I’m guessing that they have private forums where [...]
My Emo Daughter Hates Me, Her Mother!
If you’re the mother of an Emo daughter then you must take a hardline approach when raising her. If she’s starting to become interested in boys then ensure that she isn’t in contact with Emo Guys otherwise they are likely to impregnant her and her life will be over.
If you hear her listening to any [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 1 Comment »>Why Does Russia Hate Emos?
The simple answer is that the Russian Goverment sees Emo are a threat against it’s one party state mentality. Emo’s are much like Communists in that they have one track minds and are constantly looking to destroy and control anyone their perceive to be their enemy.
So I can understand why Russia wants to make Emo [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 1 Comment »>Emo Kid Help - How To Make Your Bedroom Look Emo Without Any Money
As an emo you need to show the world that you’re not a conformist. There is no better to show the world that you’re Emo by decorating your room to convey this.
Listed below are a few tips that’ll help you achieve an Emo bedroom.
Be sure to bring any roadkill you find home and pin it [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 5 Comments »>How To Cope With Preps and Jocks Hating You Because You Are An Emo Kid
The easy answer is to stop caring.
If people are giving you bullshit, give them bullshit back. If they knock the crap out of you, be sure to get your revenge in other ways, like defecating in their locker or mailing them turds in the posts.
Remember that later in life Preps and Jocks will amount to [...]
How To Make An Emo Boy Horny
As an Emo chick there are many ways that you can make an Emo Boy aroused. Here are a few of the best options.
Mail him your dirty underwear and force him to sniff it, otherwise you’ll beat his crap in.
Learn to recite the entire lyrics of the ‘Welcome To The Black Parade’ album in one [...]
Can Emo Kids Be Muscular?
As a rule, no they can’t.
In order to be Emo you must be either seriously underweight or obese. If you have a toned body then you have nothing to be sad about. Only guys with ribs hanging out or guys who have man breasts are fit to inherit the kingdom of Emo Heaven.
If you’re an [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 1 Comment »>How To Turn Your Friends Emo.
It’s nearly impossible to convert a jock into an Emo, simply because they have too much sense. You only really have a chance of converting silly, weak people into Emos as they’ll subscribe to anything.
Anyway here are a few guidelines you might want to adhere to if you actually want to do something properly for [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | No Comments »>Emo Girl Crying - How To Speak To Depressed Emo Chicks
If you see an Emo Girl crying in the street, your natural reaction will be to approach her and ask her what’s the matter.
Be sure to ignore your instincts otherwise you’ll likely receive a massive cut to the face. Most Emo girls trick innocent civilians into approaching them so that they can mindlessly attack them [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | No Comments »>How To Date An Emo If You Are Not An Emo Kid.
Fancy becoming one with an Emo and you’re just a rotten prep? Well then, you have a task on your hands my friend! Since the Emo Scene is so incestious, they very rarely let outsiders like you into their ranks. There are a number of things that you can do to show that you are [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 5 Comments »>I Love Emo People. I Love Emo Girls, Emo Men. I Love You All!
I’ve enjoyed updating this website over this last 18 months. Ever since then I’ve been inundated with comments from Emos across the world annoyed with my relentless ranting. I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all this. I love coming home from work with my inbox full of [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 2 Comments »>Are You An Emo Kid Thinking Of Committing Suicide?
Don’t!
There’s much to live for. If you kill yourself now then you’ll never be able to listen to Fall Out Boy again. You’ll never experience true love. You’ll upset your family immeasurably. You’ll never meet Pete Wentz. You’ll never go to college and meet fascinating people from all over the world.
No matter how bad things [...]
Chasing Fat Emos Is The Most Hilarious Thing Ever
Whenever I see a fat Emo in the street I love to intimidate them by running at them. The fatter the Emo is the better. It’s brilliant just seeing them waddling away like a penguin, sweating and weeping furiously. In many cases they’ll become so upset that they’ll start slapping themselves around the head in [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 2 Comments »>Emos Have Absolutely No Sense Of Humor
I’ve been writing in this blog for well over a year now and during this time it’s become crystal clear from all of your comments that most Emos don’t have a sense of humor. Sure there are some people who get it but most of you are here simply to be offended. You’re worse than [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 4 Comments »>I’m Fucking Bored Of Everything And This Site Sucks
Emo rocks and I want Pete Wentz’s cock.
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How To Be Emo Over Night. 24 Hours And You’ll Be Slicing Like Gerard Way!
Is there a really hot guy in school that you want to impress by turning Emo over night? Well then follow these tips and you’ll be well on your way to being Emo in 24 hours.
Don’t take any of these seriously unless you really want to be depressed.
Lie in bed at night and think about [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 1 Comment »>How To Convert A Friend From Emo
It’s crap to see a friend turn Emo when you can see them wasting away before your eyes and cutting themselves with anything they can find in the street. There are sadly no surefire ways of deconverting an emo immediately as they are that brainwashed. However all hope is not lost! There are a number [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | No Comments »>Am I Too Old To Be Emo?
Am I too old to be emo?
This is the most common chatup line from crusty old metal heads who’ve just been seduced by an evil emo temptress. You are too old to be emo if you’re in your twenties or older. By that stage in life you should be looking to settle into society, find [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 2 Comments »>How To Make An Emo Boy Break Up With You
So you’ve finally realised that Emo guys are dicks, huh? Ah well, we all have to learn the hard way sometimes.
Anyway here are some tips on how to hasten the breakup process.
Explain to him that you’re not really a girl. But a man. With a big hairy schlong downstairs. If he’s bisexual he might be [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 1 Comment »>How Do You Know If You’re Turning Emo?
This is a valid question that every teenager must ask himself now and again, particularly if your dog has just died and you’ve found there’s no doggie heaven. Crying after your dead dog on it’s own is not a sign that you’re turning emo. There are other more concrete signs that you must look for [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | No Comments »>What Reasons Would A Kid Have To Be Emo?
This is one of the most common questions I’m asked by visitors to this site. The answer isn’t a simple one. There are millions of potential mini-answers that must be considered together for them to make sense.
The kid may be extraordinary dim. The emo scene attracts dim teenagers towards it like bugs towards a light. [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | No Comments »>How To Be Emo Without Scaring Your Parents
Life sucks when you want to be a full on emo kid. Your parents are so uptight that you’re fully expecting them to crap their pants the next time you tell them of your latest suicide ploy, involving freezing yourself to death in the refrigerator. Anyway here are some tips on how to be emo [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 3 Comments »>Emos Are The Stupidiest Bunch Of Bastards On The Planet. Fact. No Arguing This Time.
Christ. It’s hilarious how many dumb ass emo kids come here to post their bullshit and most of it is completely unintelligble.
Take this example posted by someone calling themselves “vintage”.
emo is abt expressing ourself .dunt write abt it if ue dunt noe abt it biatch .
It took me half an hour to even understand the [...]
Australian Emo Explosion
It’s enough to make you want to crap yourselves ladies and gentlemen.
It’s come to my attention that almost 50% of the population of Australia is now Emo. Why or how this has happened is beyond me. Apparently Emo’s have been running around New South Wales slashing kangaroos with razors and painting themselves in their blood. [...]
Emo Olympics
Today heralds the start of the first ever Emo Olympic Games were depressed and malnourished teenagers will take part in a series of events over a week.
Situated in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, The Games have attracted much outroar from the media due to the brutal nature of many of the events. However despite calls for The Games to [...]
Definitive Proof That All Emo Tattoos Suck And That You’re Retarded For Even Thinking About Getting One.
As an Emo why in God’s name would you ever want to get a tattoo? To express your individuality? To feel the surging pain of the needles piercing your limbs? Or to just make your body look as unappealing as possible?
In an attempt to find an answer to this question I trawled the internet in [...]
How To Get Your Kid Out Of Being Emo
I’ve been receiving many emails recently from concerned emo parents asking how they can reclaim their child from the emo cult. There isn’t one specific method that works every time but there are a few steps that you can take to improve your chances of a deconversion.
Ground the child and deny them access to money [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 2 Comments »>Emo Boys Kill Badgers For Blood In Real Life
It has been revealed that people in the Emo community are convincing susceptible young emo boys to stone badgers to death in order to be accepted into the group. This came to light after 300 badgers were found lying stacked in a heap beside a row of empty vodka bottles by an ice cream truck [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 6 Comments »>Dwayne From GTA4 Is An Annoying, Pointless Emo Cutter
I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto 4 for the XBOX 360 for the last few months and one of my biggest regrets was killing Playboy X instead of Dwayne. Why? Well Dwayne is the epitomy of an Emo. Sure Playboy X was an annoying as hell but he was nowhere near as bad as Dwayne. [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | No Comments »>Emo Lyrics and Songs Are Totally Pointless
Those Emos and their songs with crazy lyrics, why do we need them? I don’t understand why bands link My Chemical Romance or AFI like to include very questionable lyrics in their songs. They already get enough media attention; why do they put stuff like, “cut my wrists and black my eyes†in their lyrics? [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 17 Comments »>Why Emo Art and Drawings Are A Joke. Clue : None of You Can Draw.
I really do not understand why the Emos insist upon trying to do art. It is not like any of them have ever bothered to really take any lessons or classes. Nobody is really interested in the dark art that they try to create, and honestly, it is really distracting because it is [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 6 Comments »>Emo Baby Names
If you’re reading this as an emo thinking about having a child, stop right now! We need less of this crap and you most certainly don’t need a child until you’ve sorted your own problems out. If you want to have something to careful, why not borrow a raccoon from the countryside, wrap it up [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 33 Comments »>Joy Division Are Probably the Worst Band Ever.
Let’s get this straight, Ian Curtis did not die for my sins. He was a skinny, pale, tory emo who couldn’t sing a goddamn note. His band, Joy Division (and their later incarnation New Order) sucked ass. Here’s why….
The band only recorded two albums, both of which were extremely dull. The aptly named ‘Unknown [...]
Emo Forums Installed
Hi,
In order to stop so many people from arguing on the comments section of each post I’ve setup some new forums which should be used to settle any of the petty squabbles started on this blog.
You can visit them here.
Thanks,
E
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Paris Hilton. Lollerskates.
Oh God and I thought Emo boys were shallow slags! My God I nearly wet myself earlier when I saw Hilton crying her eyes out, begging to be released from jail. If truth be told it would be better for society if she never sees the light of day again. How the hell did [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 4 Comments »>Sorry For The Lack of Updates - Dan and I Are Thinking of Splitting Up
I thought splitting up with Dan would have been easy, but as per usual I was wrong. A few weeks ago I tried to end it with him and he disappeared for days. He went on a three day bender and ended up in a police cell for urinating on the beach in broad daylight. [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 7 Comments »>I Got Called An Emo Slut Again, Ha
Ha, I was out shopping yesterday and a group of girls approached me shouting all sorts of abuse. The ugliest one called me an “Emo Slut-Bag”. What the hell like? Firstly I don’t dress like an emo, I might be a bit pale on it but I’m certainly not emo. They must know Dan, or [...]
Posted in Emo Stuff | 4 Comments »>