Emo Olympics
Today heralds the start of the first ever Emo Olympic Games were depressed and malnourished teenagers will take part in a series of events over a week.
Situated in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, The Games have attracted much outroar from the media due to the brutal nature of many of the events. However despite calls for The Games to be banned, they continue on in earnest. What follows is a description of some of the more controversial events.
800m Gurgles
The winner in this event will be the first emo across the line to have finished off a quart of vodka whilst completing the circuit. Competitors will be disqualified if they are caught vomiting or otherwise spilling any of the vodka deliberately. This event will be sponsored exclusively by Smirnoff and their partners Bic.
Archery
Emo Archery will consist of countries fielding teams of two, with one person acting as the archer and the other as the target. The target will then be forced to strip naked, with various parts of their body highlighted with different colors of lipstick. The relevant body parts, along with their designated colors and points values are listed below.
- Groin - Pink (10 points)
- Head - Grey (5 points)
- Heart - Black (3 points)
- Liver - Yellow (1 point)
Baseball
This event is quite different from ordinary baseball in that it involves no pitchers, balls or out calls. The goal of Emo Baseball is for the runner to sprint around the diamond as quickly as possible whilst smashing themselves around the head with the bat as many times as they can. The winner will be the Emo who records a combination of the most head hits and fastest times around the pitch.
Discus
Each candidate will be awarded 100 rare My Chemical Romance 12″ discs at the start of the event. The first Emo to throw all of the records over a cliff-face without diving in after them will win the event.
Diving
Each contestant in turn will dive into shark infested waters with a heart monitor and stopwatch attached to their body. The winner of the event will be the first Emo to die. Each Emo will be permitted to wear only one article of clothing comprised solely of meat in order to tempt the sharks towards them. Shirts and pants made of pork are forbidden due to political correctness.
Javelin
The winner of the Javelin event will be the Emo who manages to insert the Javelin the furthest into their own flesh. Competitors who attempt to insert the Javelin into their own rectums will be instantly disqualified. In the event of a tiebreak, the winner will be the competitor who loses the most blood.
Lion Racing
The Emo will start the race on top of the Lion with the eventual winner being the first Emo to cross the line INSIDE the animal.
Sawing
Each emo will be issued with a 20″ hand saw and ordered to cut off an arm and a leg in the quickest time possible. Emos will have to undergo blood tests before and after the event in order to eliminate any chance of the competitors doping themselves up with vodka.
Sawing + 400m Sprint
This is the same as the event above except it’s targetted at less suicidal olympians. After the Emo amputates their two limbs, they will be forced to do a lap of the circuit whilst carrying their severed body parts in a rucksack. The first Emo across the line will then be transported immediately to hospital, where surgeons will attempt to reattach the limbs.
Shooting
In this event, each candidate will be issued an AK47 assault rifle. The aim of the game is to kill yourself as quickly as possible by shooting yourself ONLY in the ass cheeks. Competitors will be disqualified if any of the ammunition or indeed the rifle ends up in their anuses.
September 27th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
NOT RIGHT AT ALL
September 30th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
this is fekin rejective. i hate all you emo-haters (even though you make us famous)
October 6th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
what ever its called emotive hardcore but ne ways let them emos be
October 28th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
i understand that you dont like emos (which means u hate me) but if you could not write such hard things about us that would be okay…your talking about us like we’re from another planet but that is not true..were actual people…no matter how we dress were going to be the way we want to be…if we wore pink clothing and flared out pants all the tim ewould that make us “normal” ? no one is the same…every emo is extremely different and its not right for you to be talking about us like that…me and thousands of others would apprecite it if you would get rid of this site
October 28th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
someone should make a site against preppy people!
October 28th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
why are you saying emos are all fat? im not fat and im emo….i would never let myself get fat…i dont enough to let that happen anyways.
MEATS NO GREEN! SAVE THE WORLD!…GO VEGETARIAN!
http://www.peta2.com
October 31st, 2008 at 4:08 pm
gkjyfrmhhfdhfucj
November 10th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
nice i want to join
November 14th, 2008 at 5:43 am
Stop whining, life isn’t as hard as you think. Also, this here is just a bit of fun, I think a website against pretty people would be just as funny, but harder to insult stereotypically. So if you are gonna make that website, tell me here.