First Date With An Emo Boyfriend
So you’ve finally bagged an Emo Boyfriend and you’re ready to go on your first date. Excellent! Listed below are a number of possible destinations on this date along with some general advice about each venue. Enjoy!
His Room
This is a no-no, unless you want to spend the next 12 hours listening to him reading out his poetry. He’ll dedicate the rest of his time to playing god-awful ballads he has written about you on his guitar whilst singing along like a dork. By the end of the night he’ll have embarrased both of you by making an awkward sexual advance.
He’ll hint at his sexual frustration by showing you all of the bloodied bandages he’s collected from 18 years of being a self mutilator. He’ll then start to dig into his forearms with anything he can find. He’ll progress to cutting and gouging with anything ranging from plastic forks to compasses. If you are particularly unlucky, he’ll crush a light bulb in his hand, sprinkle the glass into a cup of orange juice before trying to drink it all in one go.
You’ll then be responsible for informing his mother that he’s ingested a lethal cocktail of a light bulb and some orange juice.
Graveyard
A first date in a graveyard will be sure to impress your emo boyfriend. It’ll be an opportunity for him to mope between the gravestones and mutter unintelligibly about the fragility and futility of human existence. Remember to restrain him if he tries to jump into an open grave. And if he suggests that you have intercourse on someones plot, smack him around the head until he’s suitably dazed and run away. Be sure to tell all of your friends about it too.
Abandoned Rail-Line
This is another desolate location that your emo boyfriend will find irrestible. You’ll be able to walk hand-in-hand along miles of abandoned track. Just be sure that the track is abandoned otherwise you might just end up picking bits of carriage out of your face for the next 1000 years.
A Bar
A first date in a bar with an emo is not that desirable because usually he’ll get ridiculously drunk throughout the evening to cope with his nerves. By the end of the night all of his emotions will come out at once and he’ll attempt to pick fights with people outside the bar. Be sure to escort him to the cab rank as quickly as possible otherwise you’ll probably end up in the back of an ambulance with him after he starts a brawl with a bunch of jocks.
To ensure the night passes off smoothly be sure to research his least favorite drinks before hand because if he catches you drinking them he’ll immediately think that you are trying to oppress his individuality by having a different opinion. Research his taste in music too in case there is a jukebox in the place. Whilst you might think that playing ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” is innocent enough, your boyfriend could become hysterical and try to commit suicide in the bar.
Night Club
Emo boys love night clubs, even though they’ll pretend to hate them at the start of the night. He’ll start the evening off by hiding in the darkest corner of the room and drinking quickly. As the night progresses he will move progressively closer to the dance floor and will start to move his head in time to the music.
By the end of the night he’ll be “dancing” on the floor, giving it all her can whilst the other patrons on the dancefloor will recoil with a mixture of bewilderment and horror. It’s certain that at one point he’ll knock over someone’s drink resulting in a confrontation with a guy twice his height. Be sure to drag your boyfriend away unless you find men with disfigured faces sexy.
He’ll spend most of his time in the night club arguing with the DJ, who’ll basically refuse to play anything he requests since his taste in music will invariably be shit.
Cinema
The Cinema is another poor choice, simply because most emo kids are totally claustrophobic and are (ironically enough) afraid of the dark. I’ve known emo kids who have completely flipped out in the theatre and started smashing their heads off the chair in front of them, before running up to the screen and headbutting it. If you must go to the cinema be sure to keep an eye on the emo.
If he starts acting up, pour your soda all down his pants. If that doesn’t work, start pelting him with popcorn. Try your best to aim for the eyes. As a last resort you should buy a jumbo hotdog from the lobby and start smashing him around the head with it until he’s stopped making an ass of himself.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Superb. Really good show.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:54 am
so true!!!! One tip; when they try and make a pass at you and you allow it make sure your eyes are shut.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Yes.
Very true.
My first date was at the graveyard.
Tip:Watch out for immatators.There is some boys that pretend to be emo because because the love they have for ur clothing.When they go to they graveyard they finally admit they are not emo.Scream like a girl an drunaway.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:07 am
lol that is fo funny!!!!!!yet sad too.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
lol wow ok 1st of all sum of this is crap and i would be mad but its stupidly funny yeah funny. it still amuzes me how one person can be so ignorant into thinking all emos are the same, i dont like to cut myself, i do look emo most of the time except when theres a party then im into anythin it has class, second not all emos have to have blk hair, sum dye it of diferent colors sure blk cuz it goes with evrythin, and last emos have been really popular and its growing and soon we will make our empire take over, cuz the revolution its comin and we emos are ready, are u? i dont think u r but hey ignorance come in any size rite? jaja
September 28th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Wow. What a load of shit. :3 I love it. Haha.
I don’t know. The times are chaging. Kids aren’t like this anymore.
It a fad these days, instead of a music genre.
It’s pretty disappointing.
.___. Stupid kids.
Good work, you entertained me for a day. Haha.
I’m off to go cut myself with my toothbrush to Joy Divison, thanks.
October 5th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
This is a bunch of shit. Your making fun of other people’s pain and fustration. Not all emo kids are the same. There are some fakes but a lot of them are depressed. Its just a label, but still this is wrong. I am emo, i don’t give a damn what you think, but this shit is so wrong.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
What the hell. This is just a load of bull. It just amazes me how people think that emos are all the same. Seriously this really pisses me off. Because One, the term “emo” is just a stereotype. And it doesn’t really matter on where we go for a date, as long as it’s not preppy and whatnot I’m fine. But seriously, we are not all like that people. So get your fucking head out of the gutters!
October 9th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
oh my gowd sooooo weird but at the same tym sexy idk y I think that but if you a guy wich u probably not but if u r than I luv u.
October 18th, 2008 at 3:15 am
hey my ex-gf was totally emo but omg she was so hot she took me 2 her house once and gave me head in the closet.. i was 14 and she was 13 at the time holy shit lol aite ill shut up now
October 27th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
stupid
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
That’s horrible.
D:
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
i love datin’ emo’z and numbr 1 u got 2 be real dhosebag,scenester and prik 2 get upset first of all because if u acutally call ur self emo thts like callin ur self white trash even though this shit is mean u got 2 be really retared 2 complian over this
November 4th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
boyfriend is so so so so so so so cutri
November 14th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
im emo myself but lmao that was funny but a bit harsh lol =]
bye.