How Do You Know If You’re Turning Emo?
This is a valid question that every teenager must ask himself now and again, particularly if your dog has just died and you’ve found there’s no doggie heaven. Crying after your dead dog on it’s own is not a sign that you’re turning emo. There are other more concrete signs that you must look for and I’ve listed them below.
- Have you recently started biting things for no apparent reason? Emos tend to enjoy chewing on furniture, park benches and plastic bottles. They do this to help cope with their overwhelming anxiety. If you’re displaying this behaviour then you may well have a problem.
- Do you lounge around the house in your underwear and cry when someone calls at the door or the telephone rings. Do you refuse to answer in either situation? Are you plagued by dreams of being touched up by a giant bunny rabbit dressed in a black cape?
- Have you ever caught yourself saying “I wish I could wash myself once and never have to do it again” or something vaguely similar. This is a surefire sign that you’re turning emo. Emos are more terrified of bathtime than cats.
- Are you extremely judgemental? Do you see homeless people in the street and feel like screaming “Deadbeat loser!” at them? Do you mock people who donate money to charities? Do you consider famine relief a tremendous waste of human resources when the money could be invested in a social scheme that provides teenagers with free alcohol? If you’ve answered yes to any of these, then there’s a good chance that you’re turning Emo.
- Have you noticed that your farts have started smelling like rhubarb? If this is the case, then you’re turning emo. Why? Well the rhubarby stench is all part of a complex chemical reaction that occurs when copious amounts of vodka, despair and charcoal meet in your digestive tract. If you were to watch a naked Emo fart you’d notice that a crimson red cloud flumes out of his buttocks like the demented spirit of a Red Deer.
- Do you spend 15 hours in front of the mirror every day, repeatedly smashing your fists against the glass just to show the world how pissed off that you look like the lovechild of Dumbledore and a vampire? Then my dear, you’re an Emo. Get used to it!
