How To Get Your Kid Out Of Being Emo

I’ve been receiving many emails recently from concerned emo parents asking how they can reclaim their child from the emo cult. There isn’t one specific method that works every time but there are a few steps that you can take to improve your chances of a deconversion.

1. Ground the child and deny them access to money and your credit cards. Without cash it’ll be much harder for the kid to buy vodka, meaning he’s much less likely to cut himself.
2. Remind him that you were a child goth and show him the weathered tattoo of Robert Smith on your wrinkly ass.
3. Walk into his room and smash up his computer with a broom. Be sure to destroy any remaining stereo equipment and Ipods to ensure that he has no access to emo music. If he tries to attack himself afterwards, meticilously remove all sharp objects from his room and lock him in there until he calms down. Or you could just leave him in there for 2 weeks and pass slices of bread underneath the door every day. If he complains about needing to go to the toilet, pass in a bucket and force him to go in there.
4. Walk him to school every day and if you see his emo friends approach, take off your shoe, wield it like a baton and run at them with your tongue out hanging out. Grab hold of the slowest Emo and begin to batter him until he’s promised to stay away from your child forever.
5. Don’t let him watch the television, especially if any pornographic shows are on. Self abuse tends to make adolocents even more depressed so by denying him access to such filth you’re lowering the chances that’ll he’ll debase himself.
6. Pray to God nightly for His intervention. Pray that your son will eventually see the errors of his ways and will turn his back on razors, vodka and bisexuality and become a true hetero like God himself. Failing that ask God to give him the courage to come out as a well-adjusted homosexual and for him to abandon self-harm for ever.

One Response to “How To Get Your Kid Out Of Being Emo”

1. dead_in_the_asylum Says:
   September 18th, 2008 at 12:41 am

   whoa that’s sorta…abusive. i’d be scared be my mom chased my friends like that!

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