Emo Kid Death and Suicide. Prepare For Your Funeral Now!
As an emo you should be aware that you’re going to die, most likely in a terribly gruesome way. So why not plan ahead and organize your own funeral now? All you need is to do is to read the rest of this guide and search for a pen and a paper!
Who to invite..
You don’t want to invite any old bastard to your funeral. It’s best your parents don’t show up as they’ll be so grief stricken they’ll die at the service. Besides, you hate them remember? They tried to rape your taste buds with cauliflower and sprouts after all!
Instead why not invite your entire Livejournal and Bebo friend lists to your service? Don’t invite people you know! Invite those who have commented on your pictures with “Jesus you don’t look anywhere near as gruesome as you sound in real life”.
Be sure to prepare invitations for people you really want to be there, like Gerard Way and Pete Wentz. Please remember that most emo rock stars are overwhelmed with funeral invitations from their fans and can’t attend them all. Enclosing a picture of yourself masturbating over a blow up doll of them in the bath will greatly increase your chances of them attending.
Remember to warn everyone that you’ll come back to haunt them if they don’t turn up at the service, even though you don’t believe in the afterlife. Make it known that you’ll be counting everyone’s tears before and after the service too! If anyone sheds less than a quart of tears then you’ll send Gerard Way around to their house to confiscate all of their razors, scissors and knives.
Once you’ve finally decided upon your invite list it’s time to design some groovy invitation cards. I recommend something like this…
Music at the Service
The aim with the music is to make people cry as much as possible. You should always aim to hire My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy for your funeral. Just borrow $40,000 from your Daddy’s savings account and pay the band of your choice up front on the condition that they must attack anyone who isn’t upset enough with their guitars.
If you can’t afford to hire any of the big cheeses in the Premier Division of Emo then why not ask your dipshit friends band to play? If you have no real friends you can easily find idiots willing to play for free on Myspace. Just leave a comment on the band’s profile saying ‘Hi there lol, u r all sexy. Fancy playing at ma funeral. I don’t wanna liv nemore (and it ain’t cos of yer music, I swear) See ya when I’m in ma coffin. Lmao!’.
Ice Nine Kills are willing to play funerals for free. We can’t guarantee that they won’t ask your grandma for sexual favors after the gig however..
As a last resort why not employ Dashboard Confessional? According to their management you can hire them for as cheap as $30 for a 3 hour long set. Be aware that most the attendees are likely to lose their hearing, co-ordination and will to live at some point during their set.
Food after the funeral
Food shouldn’t really be a problem if all of your friends are emo. My advice is to just buy about 80 buckets of pig swill and a keg of vodka for the party. Remember your emo friends will just end up puking all of the food up anyway so just feed them any old shit.
The more food you buy, the unhappier (and therefore happier) the eating disorder brigade will be. They will likely experience anxiety attacks if the sandwich pile is higher than 12 inches. If you’re really sadistic why not spend shit loads of money on food to really get the party started?
You might want to invest more of your resources into entertainment at the party. For instance, why not buy a 10 foot long razor that everyone can cut themselves against simultaneously? If your lounge is carpeted ask for the giant razor to be placed in here as another V-sign to your parents. They’ll be trying to scrub your friends blood out of the carpet for months afterwards!
Alternatively why not rent a bouncy castle with shards of broken glass mounted on it’s floor and walls? It’s a guaranteed pleaser for the emo crowd!
Means of disposing of your body
This is the most important part of your funeral. You don’t want to be buried or cremated as everyone will think you’re a conformist! Why not ask your father to chop your body up into pieces with your favorite razor, load your remains into a number of bags, and then throw each one individually out of the window when he’s doing 80 on a crowded freeway?
Tell him that if he manages to smash an old lady driver in the face with the remains of your head, making her crash into a tree, then you’ll win your eternal forgiveness after being such an asshat to you when you were alive!
Alternatively you could give the Red Cross a call and tell them that after you die you want your body to be consumed by starving African children. Since you’re from America, The Red Cross would assume there would be enough of you to feed an entire village for a year.
Christ, they’ll be sore when they realize you’re an anorexic emo….
October 9th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
i’ll keep this in mind
October 27th, 2007 at 4:23 am
If i die, i am giving my body to be dished out to people who need the parts. Screws chance for overdose, eh? =P
I dont want to die. Life is sucky, but thats cus i am a teenager and dont work. AS soon as those are fixed, life will be a lot more free (Apart from taxes/government/Managers…)
And this is a great idea! It should be law, that if you are going to commit suicide, a note is not required; only a call to the local mortuary! Saves the parents finding them and such. No?
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:52 am
Oh thank God! Now I know what to do. But where am I going to buy the giant razor? E-Bay?
Of course, they will have to find a way to cut me out of my jeans. Also, my oversized hair might not fit in the casket… which makes the freeway choice all the better!
Now if only you could make a guide on how to get the vomit, Vodka, and tears, smell out out my houndstooth scarf!
Hate filled with sorrow and regret, because life is a bastard even though I just recently started getting sad, and can clearly remember the happy days when I was littl and didnt look like a zombie/homeless person/Japenese person/whore/clown,
EmoEmily.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
love it i will try this
November 12th, 2008 at 7:48 am
i love it… Of corse i said that after reading all of your clever catigories…you are very informed .. And really know how to lighten a subject….posibly an amazing writer ..one to be remembered….well i had a (the words good time come to mind but we both know thats a lie) verry informitive time reading this
November 27th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
lmao that was great!
i have to ask, does dashboard confessional really play for only $30?? i love them lol!
November 29th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
i try it….hope it works
December 11th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
i hate who ever wrote all this. your stupid i mean why would you take the time and effort to write how to have your own emo funerl?
if your gone no ones going to care
December 11th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I just might… I want to die so I just might do this.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I hope I go soon
December 12th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
screw all u emo motherf**kers u need to get over the fact that your lives suck balls
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
i hope i die soon!!!!! Life sux and every one is gonna die any way so why dont cut your time short and kill you self…. Sounds fun!!!
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 am
FUKEN LEAVE PETE ALONE PLZZZZZZ
December 30th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
exactly right i like this peice it explains the truth that if your gunna be gutless and kill yourself then fuck off and do it already. you think that its the end of the world cos you cnt fit in size 6 jeans or get your hair the blackest black with a hot pink streak get over yourself you think your fat and you cnt eat cos food is evil what about the poor starving children dnt you think they wana die living in poverty and droppen like flies cos they cnt get food GROW THE FUCK UP and learn that life aint fucking perfect and if your gunna cut yourself cut down the road not across the fucking street
January 11th, 2009 at 10:48 am
When I die I’m gonna be made into a tree…
A fricken awesome tree with leaves…
January 16th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
uuuuuuggggggghhhhhh
LIFE SUCKS
DEATH @ ALL HUMANITY!!!!!!!!
January 17th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Oh hot damn, this is my jam…
Somethin, somehtin… don’t know the rest…
*jumps off a cliff*
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:28 pm
if ur killing urself, go fuckin do it already…..
it will last only a second or so…
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:18 pm
LOLz,’moan’ here? creative.
id die anysecond but im afraid…of the pain it’ll come when i die..even tho i tell myself it’ll be all over and no more of this life..i try and try. -_-
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:43 pm
wow. that was not even funny. i was starting to dig this site, but that was wrong in so many ways..
is that what people really think of us emo kids? now i really feel like cutting
bye asshole.
xx_whatLIFEisabout
February 8th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Hahahaha XD
Retarded, but nice. xD
You are like, fucking stupid, but Im sure alot of people like you for it. I mean, whats this world without a retard to get a good laugh. Hm..But anywhore, I actually did laugh a bit. For some things. Others were so retarded, I wondered if you were even from the human species, sorry! XD!!!
February 16th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Absolutely hilarious. It’s all in good fun seriously people get real and laugh
February 21st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Moan here? Don’t mind if i do! Haha ahh nah, guys… Now guys, this place rocks! Such a light-hearted approach to the emo culture (is that politically correct?) is absolutely ledge! So friggin’ happy to find this site.. To all the emos, I sympathize with you. Life gets better and I’m proof! Scars fade and in time you’ll stop feeling so down. Mainly ’cause you’ll grow up and leave all your so-called friends who’ve allowed you to be like this! So *hugs* to you all and cheer up! ^^
March 1st, 2009 at 1:54 am
life iz a drag i hate wakin up in the morning and sitin there bichin about it aint makin it any easier i would definetly use that funeral guide lolz
March 1st, 2009 at 8:12 am
Meow O.o
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:48 am
huh…….i will think about it
April 6th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
now this is a dreadful way to die. I will send it to all of the people i hate
May 5th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Wow.
I can’t believe
some people think of emos that way. It’s just sick and mean. Honestly. Grow up loser.
May 9th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
U don’t even get what emo is idiot
May 14th, 2009 at 4:05 am
cool.
im gonna get myself chopped up into little bits too lol.
fellow emos, lighten up ok?
this is the least anti-emo joke on this site.
this joke is emo-friendly
May 18th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
they hot when they are kissing .i hope that and are cute.
May 24th, 2009 at 3:55 am
ive always wanted to be torured to death, maybe hung from a tree by hooks in my eyes and force fed broken glass
May 26th, 2009 at 3:33 am
Lol, this is so stupid… but yet it’s wasting time.
June 1st, 2009 at 4:48 am
I think I’ll silently kill myself in my room or outside(so I can scare those little bitches next door). And I’ll write a really depressing letter that make my mom think it her fault so can to kill herself. I know shes goin’ to hell anyway -.-
June 8th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
ha moan here umm weird lol ok and im going to do this funeral thing ill invite someon named anthony superspecial to me
June 9th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!
June 14th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
lol );;););) p!
June 18th, 2009 at 1:54 am
okaaay , first of all .
to you emop people , i love your style & do what your passionate about [ cutting , dyeing hair ] .
and to all the people who write notes on here to try to straighten thses people up , they can do what they want with their life . its not your desision . it’s theirs , and plus if you hate emo people soo much then why are you on a site like this ? if your calling them dumbasses , your the real one here;]
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:48 pm
HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT IVE READ IN FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! o btw hey fal its leila i felt a need 2 send this 2 u
July 1st, 2009 at 2:57 am
Haha what the fuck
July 5th, 2009 at 1:49 am
haha this is priceless, its a bit of a giggle, don’t get so bent out of shape you complainers its a joke! and a REALLY funny one haha
July 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
who ever wrote this is a dumb fuck, you should rot in hell.
thats for sure
emo isnt killing your self and all this bull shit emo is short for emotional so therefore the person is emotional
not suicidal!
go die
you cunt fuck
July 16th, 2009 at 7:12 am
yay ur all invited to my funeral bash party favors razors