Emo Kid Death and Suicide. Prepare For Your Funeral Now!
As an emo you should be aware that you’re going to die, most likely in a terribly gruesome way. So why not plan ahead and organize your own funeral now? All you need is to do is to read the rest of this guide and search for a pen and a paper!
Who to invite..
You don’t want to invite any old bastard to your funeral. It’s best your parents don’t show up as they’ll be so grief stricken they’ll die at the service. Besides, you hate them remember? They tried to rape your taste buds with cauliflower and sprouts after all!
Instead why not invite your entire Livejournal and Bebo friend lists to your service? Don’t invite people you know! Invite those who have commented on your pictures with “Jesus you don’t look anywhere near as gruesome as you sound in real life”.
Be sure to prepare invitations for people you really want to be there, like Gerard Way and Pete Wentz. Please remember that most emo rock stars are overwhelmed with funeral invitations from their fans and can’t attend them all. Enclosing a picture of yourself masturbating over a blow up doll of them in the bath will greatly increase your chances of them attending.
Remember to warn everyone that you’ll come back to haunt them if they don’t turn up at the service, even though you don’t believe in the afterlife. Make it known that you’ll be counting everyone’s tears before and after the service too! If anyone sheds less than a quart of tears then you’ll send Gerard Way around to their house to confiscate all of their razors, scissors and knives.
Once you’ve finally decided upon your invite list it’s time to design some groovy invitation cards. I recommend something like this…
Music at the Service
The aim with the music is to make people cry as much as possible. You should always aim to hire My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy for your funeral. Just borrow $40,000 from your Daddy’s savings account and pay the band of your choice up front on the condition that they must attack anyone who isn’t upset enough with their guitars.
If you can’t afford to hire any of the big cheeses in the Premier Division of Emo then why not ask your dipshit friends band to play? If you have no real friends you can easily find idiots willing to play for free on Myspace. Just leave a comment on the band’s profile saying ‘Hi there lol, u r all sexy. Fancy playing at ma funeral. I don’t wanna liv nemore (and it ain’t cos of yer music, I swear) See ya when I’m in ma coffin. Lmao!’.
Ice Nine Kills are willing to play funerals for free. We can’t guarantee that they won’t ask your grandma for sexual favors after the gig however..
As a last resort why not employ Dashboard Confessional? According to their management you can hire them for as cheap as $30 for a 3 hour long set. Be aware that most the attendees are likely to lose their hearing, co-ordination and will to live at some point during their set.
Food after the funeral
Food shouldn’t really be a problem if all of your friends are emo. My advice is to just buy about 80 buckets of pig swill and a keg of vodka for the party. Remember your emo friends will just end up puking all of the food up anyway so just feed them any old shit.
The more food you buy, the unhappier (and therefore happier) the eating disorder brigade will be. They will likely experience anxiety attacks if the sandwich pile is higher than 12 inches. If you’re really sadistic why not spend shit loads of money on food to really get the party started?
You might want to invest more of your resources into entertainment at the party. For instance, why not buy a 10 foot long razor that everyone can cut themselves against simultaneously? If your lounge is carpeted ask for the giant razor to be placed in here as another V-sign to your parents. They’ll be trying to scrub your friends blood out of the carpet for months afterwards!
Alternatively why not rent a bouncy castle with shards of broken glass mounted on it’s floor and walls? It’s a guaranteed pleaser for the emo crowd!
Means of disposing of your body
This is the most important part of your funeral. You don’t want to be buried or cremated as everyone will think you’re a conformist! Why not ask your father to chop your body up into pieces with your favorite razor, load your remains into a number of bags, and then throw each one individually out of the window when he’s doing 80 on a crowded freeway?
Tell him that if he manages to smash an old lady driver in the face with the remains of your head, making her crash into a tree, then you’ll win your eternal forgiveness after being such an asshat to you when you were alive!
Alternatively you could give the Red Cross a call and tell them that after you die you want your body to be consumed by starving African children. Since you’re from America, The Red Cross would assume there would be enough of you to feed an entire village for a year.
Christ, they’ll be sore when they realize you’re an anorexic emo….
October 9th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
i’ll keep this in mind
October 27th, 2007 at 4:23 am
If i die, i am giving my body to be dished out to people who need the parts. Screws chance for overdose, eh? =P
I dont want to die. Life is sucky, but thats cus i am a teenager and dont work. AS soon as those are fixed, life will be a lot more free (Apart from taxes/government/Managers…)
And this is a great idea! It should be law, that if you are going to commit suicide, a note is not required; only a call to the local mortuary! Saves the parents finding them and such. No?
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:52 am
Oh thank God! Now I know what to do. But where am I going to buy the giant razor? E-Bay?
Of course, they will have to find a way to cut me out of my jeans. Also, my oversized hair might not fit in the casket… which makes the freeway choice all the better!
Now if only you could make a guide on how to get the vomit, Vodka, and tears, smell out out my houndstooth scarf!
Hate filled with sorrow and regret, because life is a bastard even though I just recently started getting sad, and can clearly remember the happy days when I was littl and didnt look like a zombie/homeless person/Japenese person/whore/clown,
EmoEmily.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
love it i will try this
November 12th, 2008 at 7:48 am
i love it… Of corse i said that after reading all of your clever catigories…you are very informed .. And really know how to lighten a subject….posibly an amazing writer ..one to be remembered….well i had a (the words good time come to mind but we both know thats a lie) verry informitive time reading this