Suicide-proof emo razors are now available from Walmart
Walmart have responded to the wrist-slashing epidemic in the Emo community by introducing their own brand of Emo-proof razors into the market. The new razors are so blunt that it’d take 7 years for an emo to break the first layer of skin - even during a frenzied anxiety attack. Their bluntness also means that shaving all but the thinnest patches of bumfluff is completely impossible.
Much like the emo scene itself the new razors have been described invariably as “absolutely pointless” and “idiotic beyond belief”. However the suicide-proof blades have won a staunch advocate in anti-emo campaigner Ann Coulter who now uses the razors on a daily basis to trim her hairy balls.
“If you’re anything like me the hair around your privates can become unmanageable, it tends to grow like weeds. And I can’t risk taking a conventional razor to my balls for obvious reasons. These new razors are perfect for trimming my sack - and whatsmore - I feel no real irriation. Well less irritation anyway than when I see Pete Wentz on the television”
Emos all around the country have expressed their digust at the introduction of the razors, with one going as far to say that “they made drawing blood harder than masturbating until ejaculation whilst being in the same room as Ann Coulter”.
We’ll keep you up to date with any further developments on this story.
