The Biggest Emos On The Planet Uncovered
Dawkins is the ultimate cry baby atheist who spends most of his days weeping into the same can of chicken soup to try to ease the bitter pain of existence. He is seen by many emos to be the god of Angst and is currently planning to set up his own emo band with Robert Smith out of the Cure called “Godless Bob and the Nihillist Whimper”. He has been arrested on many occasions for blatantly handing cigarettes to chimps whilst at the zoo. He is also a good friend of the Reverend Ted Haggard.
To many, Billy Corgan is the godfather of Emo, in fact he once wore the trademark emo fringe until his lover one Steven Patrick Morrissey convinced him to shave it off in the late 90’s. Corgan currently fronts the noise-rock band the Smashing Pumpkins who have recently reunited in order to inflict yet more pain and suffering on the world. He still lives with his parents in Iceland and really wants to hump Bjork. That was until he realised that Bjork was actually a woman.
Jesus is a bit of a mysterious character really. He seems to enjoy wandering about deserts by night weeping at the all of the ills of the world. He is waiting on Thom Yorke to die so that he can come back and become the new King of Emo. According to our best estimates this is still a long way off as Thom Yorke is invicible.
Richey Edwards was the absolutely bonkers guitarist/lyricist of the Manic Street Preachers. In the days long before they were sending away tigers, Richey posed as the bands figurehead whilst having absolutely no musical input in the band. It is rumored that he spent excessive amounts of time with a vulture who attacked him regularly for no apparent reason. In 1995 Richey decided to call it a day and moved to Brussels where he now farms sheep for a living. No doubt he’ll be joined by Pete Wentz shortly once he starts to hear voices in his head.
Ian Curtis was the godfather of emo before it became fashionable. He realised that he neither had the looks or the charm to be a Pete Wentz of his generation, so instead he decided to invest his energies into dancing. Curtis was largely responsible for popularising the Chicken Dance which can be seen on indie club dancefloors across the world on a Saturday night. He is seen by many emo bands to be the King of Everything, so much so that Fall Out Boy hold a conference with him via an ouijaboard before every gig in order to boost their performances.
Back in the early 90’s Emo was known as Grunge thanks to everyones favourite groaning moaner, Kurt Cobain. Cobain’s story is typical of a man who suffered domestic abuse at the hands of his overbearing wife. He would come home and sit outside his car, crying his eyes out before his wife Courtney Love would run out with a broom and begin to thrash him with it until he agreed to have sex with her. Kurt decided to end it all one night after he woke up with Love sitting on his face. He was only 27 and had already created some classic proto emo-ballads that have stood the test of time.
Life has been pretty tough for Ted over the past few months thanks to certain untrue rumors about his personal life. Thankfully Ted has reaffirmed his commitment to the Christian cause by forming a Christian-proto-Emo-rock band with his new acquaintaince Richard Dawkins who is reportedly about to do a “Darwiner” and become a Christian. The pair are in the midst of creating their first demo recording which should be released at some stage during the year.
In a recent poll in Kerrang Magazine, Jackson’s “Earth Song” was voted the Goddamn Finest Emo Song on the planet receiving 85% of the vote. Jackson’s transition into a full on Emo has been remarkable. In fact his most recent album “Invicible” was comprised solely of slow 8 minute long My Chemical Romancesque emo-ballads many of which cursed past girlfriends, associates and primates in spectacular fashion.
According to the British National Health Service, musician Nick Drake was one of the most depressed human beings on the planet. He spent his formative years writing songs about elves, goblins and seagulls with many of his contemporaries questioning his sanity. His songs failed to make an impact on the music industry until he was arrested in 1973 for trying to sell magic mushrooms to the photographer on the above picture. This conviction led Drake headlong into a spiral of depression which resulted in him shaving off his eyebrows and joining Joy Division as rhythm guitarist. Drake met his demise in early 1980 after trying to sell an infuriated Enoch Powell some magic cactus in a market stall in Nottinghamshire. He is considered the archetypal emo hero in modern indie circles, with criticism of his work being met with serious lynchings.
June 25th, 2007 at 1:50 am
I think everyone was too blown away to say anything. You do bring up some interesting points.
June 28th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Yeah, very interesting points, saying that stuf about Jesus. I’m suprised she hasn’t posted about atheists, it is a topic that people seem to have alot of opinions on.
September 1st, 2007 at 7:56 am
These people aren’t emos, you cunt. Emos are people that wear dark clothes and cut themselves in order to be popular, not because of anything to do with how bad the world is. Go and learn anything about music, then re-write this to cut out the real geniuses here.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:56 pm
i feel so sorry for all of you people
September 2nd, 2007 at 6:35 pm
im annoyed that you relate ian curtis to emo shit.
September 4th, 2007 at 4:00 am
I am appalled at seeing the whole points brought about the above “personalities”. It seems so easy to make revisionism about everything in history, yet I thought revisionism would apply to some freak historians stating that there were no concentration camps in WWII (and thus, no Jews were burnt). You cannot simply make a whole “tabula rasa” of history like that.
Why don’t you read any real biographies before posting these blogs? What do you really know about Ian Curtis and his life? Because someone takes his/her life, he/she is the godfather of Emo? By the way, before the movie “Control” will be shown in theaters, read “Torn Apart - The life of Ian Curtis”, at least. He was not into dancing. He was a brilliant child, amazing student with an amazingly endowed intellect. Involved in PLAYING music since his late teenage, not in DANCING. Maybe you are confused with Tony Manero, whose dance moves at times resemble what is written about Ian Curtis above. Shameful. Ridiculous. The way Ian Curtis’s persona is dragged into a crap pit here is product of pure ignorance.
By the way, I hope not to read any “emo revelations” about Roger Painter aka Rozz Williams - Christian Death. He committed suicide on April 1st, 1998. I hope this spiral of void stops here.
Peace.
September 7th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
This is funny ^^
September 8th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
LadyGhoulita, of Ian Curtis you said: “He was a brilliant child, amazing student with an amazingly endowed intellect”
I do agree; he was amazingly endowed. In fact, in his later years he was really well hung.
October 8th, 2007 at 7:55 am
i feel sry for everyone and anyone running this site….this is just sad. you should all rot and burn in hell. i hope i may be the one to send you there or to what ever god you may choose.