Emo Suicide! The 21 Best, Alternative Ways To Kill Yourself.
Hello there my suicidal friend. If you were seriously contemplating suicide before reading this article then chances are you’ll be dead by the end of this article, now seek some proper help!
I suggest that you should only try any of these methods of suicide if you’re a skinhead, an ex-member of the Nazi party and/or Pat Robertson.
- Gas yourself to death with Mother’s hairspray. If she tries to stop you halfway through, spray it directly into her face and continue on as normal.
- Go outside and find a large rock. Now run a hot bath. Bring the rock with you into the bath and use it as a sponge. Don’t stop until all of your skin’s been eroded (you’ll lose consciousness a long time before this point).
- Turn up at a Nazi meeting, dressed as your grandmother, draped in an Israeli flag. Make a pass at the first skinhead you see. If he doesn’t acknowledge you, dance over to his genitals and kiss him on the balls.
- Go on a hunger strike and lock yourself in the cupboard. If anyone tries to rescue you, threaten to ring the police.
- Visit your local zoo, strip naked, scale the fencing to the tiger enclosure and go for a piggy back on the alpha male.
- Go and see Coldplay play. Your heart is bound to stop from abject misery 20 minutes into the set. Even before they get to ‘Yellow’.
- Lie on the freeway with a massive notice by you with the message ‘The first person to run me over, wins $20,000″. Be sure to write down your parent’s phone number down, clearly in big characters.
- Arrange a meetup with ANYONE from Dark Starlings. The member-base is solely comprised of serial killers and cock-doctors.
- Run into your nearest military base draped in the Iraq flag. If this doesn’t get you shot, ask for the sergeant and call him an unpatriotic, commie, horse lover.
- Fly to Tennessee with your girlfriend/boyfriend, enter a bar and announce that your lover isn’t a relative.
- Buy a bottle of vodka, pour all it into a tall container, break the bottle over your own head and pour all of the broken glass and blood into the vodka. Drink and bleed until the lights go out.
- Eat at McDonalds for a year, crap into a black bag and at the end of it all, ingest the contents of the bag. If your body hasn’t already went into toxic shock after 6 months of the diet, you are Satan and therefore invincible. I recommend placing the bag over your head, travelling down to Houston, Texas, once there announcing you’re the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.
- Arrange for Michael Moore to squat and fart on your face.
- Join the US military before the troops withdraw from Iraq. You’ve got to be quick as this is imminent! Once you make it out to Iraq, dress up as the Statue of Liberty and stand as still as possible just like one of those street performers. Ask one of your colleagues to write “If Allah was real, you’d shoot me in the balls!” in capital letters (preferably in Iraqi).
- Clean your asshole with a hedgehog twice a day for a year. Beware, this is a slowwww, painful way to die.
- Go to your local water supply dressed as Osama Bin Laden, ring 911 and tell the authorities that you’re about to take a crap in the water supply. Wait until the swat team arrive and lunge wildly at the tallest one there.
- Lock a boa constrictor in your neighbours mail box, sneak out at night and taunt the snake by waving your ass in at it.
- Drive to a forest outside Mountain Hat in Canada dressed solely in a jacket made of ham. Do not move until the bears arrive.
- Buy 500 rolls of black lipstick and eat them all over an hour long period. Refrain from vomiting or calling the emergency services and you should die within the next 96 hours.
- Masturbate to this picture of Condoleezza Rice for 24 hours straight without cumming. After the 24th hour your heart will explode out of principle.
- Change your name officially to Jesus Christ, move to Houston, Texas and wear a pink toga with the words “I’m A Queer, Darling!” scrawled on it in black ink. Dance into the nearest Baptist Church and scream “The Rapture Cometh” before masturbating furiously in front of the minister. God will strike you down before your balls explode. Either that or one of the old ladies at the front will gouge your eyes out with a pen.
October 6th, 2007 at 8:20 am
Lame. Not even funny. Just stupid.
October 7th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
Fail. :]
October 9th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
which one did you tried and can recommend me?
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:42 pm
It doesn’t work.
so no.
October 24th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
hahahaha that is so funny, especially the one about michael moore hahaha
October 24th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
DUDE UR STUPID
October 27th, 2007 at 4:45 am
Those are not such good ways…
I advise:
Paracetamol.
About 6 can kill, i think.
Hanging
May not work first time. Painful and leaves a statement! Haha.
Slit wrists
Painful, and somewhat slow. But once your done, you have about 15 mins to contact people for final goodbyes. Then another 5 to bleed to death with no control. Its rude to leave without saying goodbye! Wether its life or your grandparents house!
Ofcourse, all of this is NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!! Apart from the rude bit on the last one. Disrespectful..
October 29th, 2007 at 2:10 am
Haha, How can you say It dosent work?
Tried It much? ;p
November 1st, 2007 at 9:47 am
this made me laugh and my freind Jack
November 3rd, 2007 at 1:21 pm
here you ar not funny in the slitest your a fuckin mongo that should be shot.I was actaulll lookin for a way to kill myself ass hole now you have wasted 5 mminutes of my lifee grrrrr!!!!!!!! curse you im a blck witch and i am planting a eveil and horrbbile spell on you!!.Thy Ceee Kloese oooh fra malla deee now uv read ihtt ur cursed for life you prick
November 6th, 2007 at 7:41 am
I laughed more at the person who said that they were a black witch (If the headache you get from trying to read his/her comment doesn’t kill you… then the laughter at how stupid they sound will)
Hahahahahahahaha…..
Crack up.
November 13th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
hey you fucking emos get away from the black close move to a new city where some normal shit and get a life it really works trust me!!! and for only $20.00 i can get you a girlfriend…….
November 13th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
thats funny as hell all emos are littil bitches that like to take it in the as so if your so sad go ad fucking killl your self with a dildo fagot ………by by sunshine
November 13th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
any guy that wares makeup should be shot
January 11th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
yall are some twisted sons of a bitches… im thinkin of doin the Mcdonalds one though….
January 14th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Not practical not funny
But here: Hahaha
How about this:
Sit on a gas stove and turn on the flames
February 9th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
a good one is to get some really sharp cheese wire and nail it to the ceiling. now get on a stool and glue your hands to your head with the strongest glue possible. now jump. it looks like you ripped your own head off.
February 26th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Ay. :]]]
Ill use the iraqy thing. :]]]]
March 2nd, 2008 at 6:15 am
bitch your making fun of emos.im emo
March 8th, 2008 at 6:01 am
these suicide attempts dont work im in the fucking hospital because of u. i tried out the hairspray one, i want to die
March 30th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
please add
Perform a large scale robbery of either a bank, rich person, or animal charity. Take your suicidal friends with you if possible. If you succeed use the money to move to a small island and be happy for the rest of your life. If you are caught set your hair on fire and scream that youll ever be taken alive. Either way your either dead or your problems are solved.
Look for me in the next major robbery
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:30 pm
..dose the one with hair spray work ????? tell me plzzz digeycat@hotmail.com thx
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:34 am
some people are actually suicidal and might try this. way to kill a billion people.
:/
April 25th, 2008 at 10:02 am
hae u emo killa dood shut ur fucking face u asshole just bcause we have feelings asssssssholllle
May 8th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
u guys r fucked up..get sum help!!!!propa help.. nt this typa help…..
May 10th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I’m a school nurse & you wouldn’t believe how many of the “emo” kids cut. They call themselves “emo,” by the way. We’ve sent at least a dozen kids to the local psychiatric hospital for self-injury and suicidal ideation just during this school year. About 90% of those kids were self identified “emo” kids. Sadly, it did not surprise me when the news broke that that 13-year-old girl killed herself in the UK. I really feel terrible for her family! I was pretty confused about the whole “emo” thing until one of the kids showed me the website http://whatisemo.bravehost.com/. Once I saw that site, I understand the issue much better now; please take the time to view this and protect yourself and your loved ones.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Ummm well it’s officilal i have passed rock bottom once agen only this time i might be takin ppl with me and i dont want that…I am datin this guy and it hasn’t even been a month yet and i all i can thik bout it my ex i feel like such a horrlible person like all i ever do is hurt people and i have had enuf i know they will all be better with out me i just need a peaceful way to go any suggetions?
May 21st, 2008 at 2:31 am
umm dis is dumb it doesn’t work so don’t waste your time but it is funny ^_*
May 27th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Laughter occurs deep in my darkened soul. Tears of pain and anguish subside momentarily. Sacrifice yourself for me, the god of emos. People will google me, oh yes they will google me.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
‘emo killer’ do the world a faver and shut the fuck up and just because we have feelings and don’t act ‘hard’ go get a fucking life and GROW UP you are a lonely little ass
And im a guy and i wear makeup you gonna shoot me!?!?! Im soo scared im shiting myself JOKE like i said grow up and get a life you little sad bastard
June 8th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
im a punk/emo nd if i was to kill my self i would get a grenade and go and hug our prime minister.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
this is not a funny site. things like this is not a joke. and its sad that it has come to this, and people making sites like this one.honestly you people are sick bastards. people shouldnt be taunted and ridiculed for their choices in clothing, outlook on life, or anything. and ive been labled “emo” by mi peers.. i had a good life.. then people started calling me emo.. and thats what i became.. and ive tried to end mi life way too many times, and ive ended up in the ER 8 times too many. because peole made comments like some that are written on this site. and if ur trying to be funny by putting down things like this well , sorry to break ut yo you.. your really not. think about the people who are on the reciving end of these comments. its not any better then burning all eternity in hell, the things we go through you people dont know you go home know you have 1 friend knowing the reason your addicted to cocaine is becaue they promised theyd stop if you stayed at the party and one nigts hit was all it took. im a mess, because people started being like you, behind mi back and to my face. Just think about how it will effect others.
August 17th, 2008 at 1:01 am
To not impressed,
Grow the fuck up. And you deserve to be ridiculed if you’ve tried to kill yourself 8 times and parade it as if it’s something to be proud of.
You’re worse than Hitler.